𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝗳 𝗜 𝗳𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝟮 ⁑ t.holland

28. where did I go wrong?

Brook Gray

Brook Gray

Brook Gray

It's the only thing that sticks in my mind at this point. Tech crew is going over the last details to make sure everything will turn out perfect, managers and assistants are running from one end of the stadium to the next for last minute information. 
All of this panic and the only thing I'm able to do is stare at my feet. All of this chaos and excitement and anxiety and all I have the energy to do is stare at the sneakers they gave me for the show. 

I'm not worried about my flashy costume because I don't have one. Not anymore. I'm not worried about my hair because it's just down like I had asked. I'm not worried about makeup, I'm not worried about my mic or the music...
I'm just staring at my feet, waiting for my cue.

Eventually, the crowd's cheers fade away from my mind and are replaced by a familiar voice. One that replays itself in my mind before every show.

Fix your posture.

I pushed my shoulders back with a light breath. My head still hanging low.

Chin up.

I tilt my head up, looking up at the dancing lights from the platform where I stood. They'd eventually raise me up when it was time but for right now, I was under the stage. 

My eyes fluttered a little as one light circled back over to me, but eventually, I got used to how bright it was. I looked up in front of me, taking another deep breath in.

Be more confident.

My jaw tightened and so did my grip around the mic. I tried telling myself over and over again that they're still gonna like me even with the drama. Yes, I lied. Yes, I fucked up time and time again. Yes, I could've done better, but I'm good now. I'm still the same artist they love and that's not gonna change.

It's like I've gotta remind myself that the show sold out. All 100 thousand seats.

Sing from the heart.

I miss you, mom.

I snap out of my train of thought and look up at the sound of Alexis' voice calling out for me. There was a short hall leading up to the main backstage area. You had to crouch down to get to the opening where I was, the "walls" made of wires and metal posts meant to keep the stage from collapsing. And, although dark and lonely, there was a golden light shining from behind her. It must've been a light from one of the rooms but it helped me see her face better.

"You okay?" She had asked me. The sound of the fans cleared up again and I could hear everything going on around me. 

I nodded my head and hummed. She smiled happily and began walking off, probably on her way up stage because there was only a few minutes until we were meant to start. But, before she could leave, I called out her name and she whipped her head around.

She waited for me to say something but the words wouldn't come out of my mouth. I didn't know what I wanted to tell her. Maybe that I'm grateful she stuck around for so long, or that I'm happy I get to spend this entire tour with her. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to tell her, so the only words that ended up coming out of my mouth were: "Thank you for everything"

Alexis giggled a little and walked closer to the entrance leading to the small hall. "Don't get all emotional on me now, superstar" She teased, the nickname making me smile. "Just go rock their worlds"

Laughter escapes my mouth when hearing her say those words. I tilt my head back and close my eyes before looking up at her again, she was laughing too. "I really don't think that's what you think it means--"