𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵 𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝗳 𝗜 𝗳𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝟮 ⁑ t.holland

32. don't go

That empty feeling when looking out at an empty stadium flooded my senses. It was so overwhelmingly quiet I felt like I was put in those quiet rooms in insane asylums. The longer I stood at the end of the stage, staring out into the vast emptiness, the more I thought I was losing my mind. The more I thought my body would crumble into thousands of little pieces.

I was able to picture ever single one of those seats taken by someone. A fan.
A mom, dad, sister, brother, best friend. They would be standing right there smiling and cheering.

Two other people lost their lives in the hospital in the days after the attack. Three people in total died because of me. It blew my mind that people still had the damn nerve to worry about the next show.

People had just lost their sister, their friend, and still questioned if we'd keep the tour going.

It disgusted me. It still does.
But I don't have a choice, do I?

I was kept in the hospital for two more days like planned and then I was off to Toronto. I was leaving like nothing ever happened in Vancouver. They were shipping me off to another city like those lives didn't even matter. 

I told them I was completely against the idea of keeping the tour going but they said there was no other option. They told me that keeping this up gave me a chance to talk about the three people who died in Vancouver, to honor them.
Which was the only reason I even got on the plane.

Now, standing out here, I'm not sure if it was a good idea.

I heard footsteps tap near the back of the stage. My head whipped around, heart skipping a beat but slowing down when seeing Monica make her way over to me. She had a soft smile pulling at her lips and she seemed much more relaxed now that things were slowly getting back on track.

We missed one show already, in Edmonton, but we were ready to keep going. To try and catch up.

When she stepped next to me, we both looked out in front of us. Silence consumed the air again and it finally hit me; it was so late, we were probably the only ones here.
Sure, there was security, but other than that... Monica and I were the only ones in the building. It was closed for the show the next day. I don't even think anyone knew I was here.

"Are you feeling okay?" She asked calmly, not looking at me.

I sigh and lower my head. "Getting there" I answer quietly. "Did you hear back from Harrison?" I ask her, looking up at her dark brown eyes.

She nodded, blinking slowly. "Andrea, Hailey, and him landed an hour ago in LA. Both Hailey and Andy were discharged without any complications." 

I bob my head up and down, processing the information. They're okay. They got home safe. That's good. "And..." I trail off, feeling my chest ache at the simple thought of Alexis.

"She was brought back home. The family she had left took care of the details after landing." Monica explained to me, keeping a calm tone to her voice. "They thank you for the money you sent them."

"Of course" I nod, knowing it was the least I could do with not being able to actually be there for her funeral. I think it's better that way. Whoever knew Alexis as well as I did probably hated me for letting her take the hit... over and over again. "You doubled security?"

"Tripled." She answered sternly. I turn to her, frowning as she looked out at the empty rows of seats lining the arena.

"Do we even have money for that?" I asked Monica.

"Always." It seemed as though her own words hit close to home. The way she lowered her head and sighed made it clear that those people's deaths didn't only affect me, but her as well. I wasn't surprised, just didn't think she'd let her emotions show for the first time in years. 
Monica began backing away from the edge of the stage and looked up to me. "You should get some sleep. We've got a big day ahead of us tomorrow."