May Flowers - Sanders Sides Fanfiction

❁Iris - Courage❁

AU: Human AU

CW: None that I know of

WC: 1016

Date: 5/19/2021

'Dear Dad,

I'm sorry that I couldn't be the son that you wanted me to be. Not sorry in the way that I think it's my fault, but sorry in that I feel sympathy for what you must be going through. You had so many plans for who you thought I was going to be. You wanted me to box; I wanted to bake. You wanted me to have a letterman jacket; I wanted to help with the yearbook. You wanted me to be a doctor; I wanted to be a teacher. There are a lot of days where I still struggle with the fact that I didn't live up to your expectations, but I'm learning to live up to my own.

I'll admit, as a teenager, I actively avoided the things you wanted me to do. I wanted to be my own person, yet I felt everything was always about you. Still, you're my father, and I wanted to make you proud. I'll never understand why older people say that high school was the best years of their lives, for me it was so confusing. Worst of all, I didn't know how to deal with those feelings, so I locked them away.

You've admitted yourself that you weren't good at expressing emotions, I think I inherited that from you. Though, my therapist says repression is actually a really bad idea. That's what led to me writing this letter. He said that writing out my thoughts would help me process them. I don't even have to send the letter; I'm not sure I have the courage to send it, but I had to write it. I had to let you know that you were a good dad, but some of the things you did to protect me, hurt me instead.

You raised me to be independent. I can do a lot of things on my own that other guys my age can't. I'm pretty proud of that. Yet, I don't know how to ask for help. I feel like a burden if I accept help from others, or worse yet a failure. On the same side of that coin, I feel the need to help everyone, to be their rock when they need me. I keep pouring out of a cup that's empty. I'm still working through that. My friend Logan is here with me, not to help write the letter but just to be the emotional support I need. You've met him before, he's the really smart one.

No, I'm not dating him. I'm still figuring myself out in that department, and I'm not ready to jump into a relationship before I know what I want. I know you want grandkids, a grandson preferably so that you can pass on those hobbies that I didn't pick up. Once I figure things out I know I will adopt, but I also want you to know that I'm going to raise my kids differently than you raised me.

I want them to know it's okay for them to express their emotions. It's okay to feel sad and work through it, it's not shameful to ask for help. I hope you can get to a point where you know these things as well.

I don't blame you, that really isn't the point of this. You did the best you could with mom gone. I really do love you for that, but I want to improve. That is going to start with me setting some boundaries. If I can't send this letter, then I'll call you about those. Logan is going to sit with me to help.

I love you dad, but I need some distance.

Patton'

Rereading the letter for the fourth time, Patton looked up at Logan who was sitting silently. He hadn't judged or said anything as Patton cried during the first few attempts. He hadn't given advice unless Patton asked. He had just sat there, being a beacon of moral support as Patton poured his heart out onto paper.

"I... I think I'm done," Patton whispered, his eyes closed tightly as he fought back tears. "I... I don't think I can send it yet though. I just... What if he hates me after I send this? What if he thinks I'm trying to blame all of my problems on him?"

"You don't have to send it." Logan reached out a comforting hand, giving Patton's fingers a gentle squeeze. "You did a very courageous thing just by writing the letter and facing some of the issues you have. For now, we can seal it up, and put it under your bed if that will help."

Patton nodded, giving Logan a weak smile. "Y...yeah, yeah... I... thanks, Logan." He wanted to apologize for being a bother, for making Logan waste an afternoon, but he knew his best friend didn't see it that way.

"Anytime Patton. I'm so proud of you."

That made him cry even harder as he packed the letter up into an envelope and sealed it. He wrote his dad's name on the front but didn't address it.

"D... My... my therapist said one of the options was to burn it... and I'm not sure but... do you think.... Can I do that?"

"If your therapist suggested it, then yes. Let's set up a safe place to do that." Patton nodded and followed Logan mutely, watching as he set some things up so that they could be safe. He didn't snap out of it until Logan handed him a lighter. Patton was not normally one to burn things on purpose, but as he watched the letter flame and blacken, he felt a weight melt off of his chest.

"I don't have to live up to those expectations." He said to himself, noticing Logan nod out of the corner of his eye. He had heard it a million times but now it felt like a revelation. Patton knew that it wouldn't always be easy, that strength came and went, but right in this moment, he felt like he finally had the courage to be himself.