Staged and Confused | LRH

can't look away. 13

Alexia's perspective

"Awesome set, Alexia!" Someone hollered as I sent them a bright smile and wave before making my way to the dressing room. My stomach is practically in knots as I mentally prepare myself to go back on stage with the boys.

At our last show, I felt a sense of comfort and ease performing with the boys but this time around I'm more nervous than ever. Luke and I agreed this morning that we do not want a choreographer and we would really sell our act tonight on stage but we never discussed it. So now, I have to go on stage at the end of their set and improvise with Luke. I'm genuinely scared. I can't act for shit, and what if our fans see right through us and know we're lying?

I need to change before I go out for teeth, so once I'm in the green room, I begin digging through my bag of stage clothes when my eyes landed upon the long sleeve mesh tops that I bought at the mall with Luke and Calum. With a deep breath, I considered if I was confident enough to wear this on stage.

I wanted to try wearing it, and if I really feel that uncomfortable then I can just not wear it again but it's only one song so now is the perfect time to try. Besides, Luke and Calum said that I looked pretty good in it so hopefully the crowd feels the same way.

I chose the army green one, pairing it with a black silk bra and camo cargo pants. Looking in the mirror I felt sick with nerves. I was suddenly faced with every single insecurity of mine. It was as if my flaws were amplified as I stood in front of the mirror. And there were a lot of them. You could see everything in this shirt, granted that was the point considering it was mesh. I don't know why I thought I could feel comfortable in this shirt when I barely feel comfortable in my own full coverage clothes.

I took a step to my bag to find something to change into when a knock sounded on the door.

"Come in," I called, as I started to dig through the bag to find a new outfit. When the door opened, I glanced back to see someone on our tech team.

"There you are Alex," he spoke walking towards me before waving me over, "we have to go."

"Oh I just need to change quickly," I explained, focusing my attention on my bag.

"No time for that," he dismissed, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards the door. "You look great and you're on in five so let's go." I immediately felt like I was going to panic. I shook my head at him but was being pulled out of the room quickly anyways.

Fuck, how could I have managed my time this poorly? How long was I looking in the mirror? I should have never put this damn outfit on. Now everyone is going to see me the way I see myself, and I don't want that. I really don't want that.

I practically shake as they set my mic and wires back up. My cue is any minute now, and as I see them wind down their song and Calum steps up to the mic, I know he's introducing me. I'm sure he's saying all kinds of sweet things like he did last night, but I just can't find it in me to listen. I feel one of the stage workers pat my back, so with that I walk on stage putting a bright smile on my face despite the waves of fear washing within me.

The guys send me bright smiles while Luke's eyes trail up and down my body, smirking at me slightly. No choreography, I remind myself before giving him the same flirtatious smile. We need to do this to avoid Zach's threat of having to learn different choreography each night.

I take my stance at the microphone that is propped up beside Luke's as the crowd roars wildly for us. Calum starts with the baseline when I feel Luke's fingertips brushing up against my own, threatening to intertwine. I look down at them to take in the way it looks as if Luke desperately wants to be holding my hand before I look up to his face which is looking out at the audience. He gives me a quick look, sending me a wink before he looks out to the audience and sings,