Alpha Dhampir~ On Hold

Chapter 7

Dmitri Belikov

I walked down the dimly lit pathways to the Guardian apartments, deserted, just like it should be at this time of night. I walked towards my destination cautiously, making sure nobody saw me. Once I had found the door I was looking for, I stood in front of it, preparing myself for what waited for me inside. I grabbed the door knob in my hand and slowly turned, not surprised to find it unlocked.

I walked inside the room, the room that had once belonged to Rose, to my brave and selfless Roza. It was as if she had never left, as if she was still here and would walk through that door at any second and demand to know what I was doing here. I closed the door behind me, leaning against it, taking in the look of the room completely.

The bed was made, which was unusual. It normally was a mess whenever I had come to look for Rose. The sheets were laid neatly over the mattress, the comforter folded up at the foot of the bed. They looked warm as if they had recently been used, but I knew that if I walked over and touched them, they'd be cold, just how I felt now. There were clothes dispersed around the room and papers thrown carelessly on the desk.

I closed my eyes and tried to picture Rose in the room. How she would brighten it and bring it back to life. How she would sit in front of her desk, struggling to do her homework or paperwork and giving up in the end. How she would enter the room and throw everything thoughtlessly on the floor.

I walked slowly to her bed and sat on it, and just like I had thought, it was cold and lifeless. I ran my hands on the bed, reminding myself that Rose had used these sheets. I picked up the pillow off the bed and brought it up to my face, breathing in the scent of Roza that still lingered on it. Her smell, that sweet smell that seemed to intoxicate me, that sweet smell that made so many memories come to life.

Of all the times I had been lucky enough to hold her in my arms, to feel her so close to me and how unbearable it was to finally let go. How I regretted saying no to her. So many times, had I pushed her away from me, acted indifferently towards her when inside of me all I wanted and desired was to be with her. To hold her and claim her as mine and I hers.

Rose had changed my life wholly. She had given me a reason to be happy when I got up in the morning. A reason to look forward to the day. How I loved those practices. Those were my favourite times of the day. I would admit that her lateness would irritate me, but the moment she walked in the door, her voice breathless and her dark hair trailing behind her, making excuses. The way I had to fight to control myself every time she gave me her beautiful smile. How I had just taken everything for granted and thrown it away like trash.

I had lost her, finally pushed her away for the last time. There was no turning back. There was no asking for forgiveness. Ha forgiveness, you do not deserve it. My thoughts held truth; I didn’t deserve forgiveness for what I had done. I was disgusted with myself for everything that I had done. Roza was right. When I was a Strigoi, I had no control over my actions, but I did have control over everything I had done before and after my time as a soulless beast. Each and every time I closed my eyes, may it be to sleep or think, Rose’s face would appear, always asking the same silent question, why?

I prayed that Moya lyubov' was still alive. I didn’t want to believe that she was dead, I feared for my future. What future did I deserve to have after ripping away hers? None, that was for sure. My heart clenched at the painstaking thought, if she were to have died like many already suspected, I would never be able to forgive myself, ad I already wasn’t going to be able to find the capabilities to forgive myself as it was. The world would be dark and lonely without Rose’s presence in it. Not only my own world, but the world of those she impacted on; which were many people bit she wouldn’t have agreed believing that everyone would have been better off without her. How she ever thought that to be true I would never know, I definitely knew that if it wasn’t for her, I would still be struck as a Strigoi for eternity, and so would many others. When she chased down that myth, she had not only craved a path to my salvation but that of many others.