a moment of weakness

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"Goodbye, my lover

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"Goodbye, my lover."

To say that there was tension between Aaliyah and Calista was an understatement. Aaliyah knew that the young woman hated her guts and for what, she wasn't entirely sure. Of course, she was a Jedi and Calista hated them, but there was more. There had to be more. The glances full of hatred and venom lacing her words whenever she spoke to Aaliyah felt way too personal.

Aaliyah couldn't say she hated her. She felt uneasy in her company and from time to time a wave of sheer anger would take over her body after a particularly rude comment from Calista. However, she had to tolerate her, because of Anakin. He wanted them to train together, and it occurred to Aaliyah that it was a form of punishment. But she refused to give him satisfaction and kept quiet, ignoring snappy comments from the curly-haired woman and continued her training just like Anakin wanted. For what, she didn't know. She had enough training, but perhaps he wanted to give her something to do in these days of loneliness when only Rex would visit her from time to time.

It was weeks since she came back with Anakin. Weeks since she came back on Mustafar, the dreaded, depressing planet. She was in a different room than she used to be and had far more privileges and freedom. However, being locked in this fortress might be considered freedom for Anakin, but not for her. But she decided to just go with the flow. The force will show her the right path when the time is right. Now, she needed to wait it out.

But it was harder each day. She felt sick almost every day. Physically and mentally sick of this place, of this planet and its environment. It sure couldn't be healthy for somebody to live here. But she also felt suffocated, as if she was drowning in her own emotions, no matter how hard she tried to keep them in check. She didn't like the anger she would feel, the sadness, the overwhelming lust for Anakin. Her body was more and more acknowledging the fact, that he was so close to her and so willing, that if she said the word, he would be hers again. In every way possible. But she stayed quiet. It was not possible, and she will not lose her dignity this way. She was a Jedi, and she was taught how to deal with feeling like these.

Most days, if she was not with Calista in the big training hall, she would be in her room or aimlessly walking around through the hallways of the fortress. Sometimes, she could almost pretend she was walking through the Jedi Temple again, but the fantasy would disappear as quickly as it came. This could never compare to her former home. It might have been as enormous as the Temple, but it was cold, empty, dark and so hollow.

However, her feet made her walk through the emptiness every day, just like she did right now. Watching every crevice in the walls, touching the cold, dark stones and looking into the shadows. She needed to remind herself, that this was reality. This was her reality. Sometimes, she found herself, especially during meditation, in a deep state of dissociation. But she couldn't afford to lose touch when an opportunity to end this once and for all might arise at any moment.  On the other hand, being so close to Anakin and being alone made her unwillingly open a dark chamber in her mind she locked years ago. A chamber that reminded her of what she could have. What she had for a short time. What will never be, because she lost it. One moment she felt the new life and another moment it was gone. And Aaliyah felt the second when the life disappeared. Forever out of her reach.

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