DSMP Angst One Shots

They'll Abandon Me

I did this as kind of a vent, so if it makes no sense, that's why. 

TW-SELF HARM, SUICIDAL IDEATION/THOUGHTS, DEREALIZATION, DISSOCIATION, AND RACING THOUGHTS. 

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WILBUR POV-

I sat on the edge of the bed, too sad to even cry. Tears wouldn't help at this point. Nothing would.

The voices in my head won't shut up. Nothing makes them quiet. They're so loud. Constantly telling me how bad I am, how annoying I am. 

They're right. I'm obnoxious and loud, and well, useless. I have no talents. I just sit and stare. That's the only thing I'm good for. I listen to other people about their issues, but I can't express my own. I sighed and curled up. I was officially giving up. There was no point in trying anymore. There may have been people who loved me, but I don't care. They'll use me and throw me away just like everyone else always does. Everyone always does. 

I stifled back quiet sobs, trying to keep my voice low. I couldn't let anyone hear me, let alone know what's going on. They'll leave me. My issues are too much for them to handle, so it doesn't matter. They'll abandon me. 

I just wanted to die. 

That deep, unending urge.

It would always be there. It won't ever go away. Honestly, this is all hopeless. I don't know why I bother anymore. Nothing helps ease the pain anymore. 

I've relapsed in the past couple of days, but even that felt like shit. I normally feel good after doing it. I have a sense of relief, and my tensions can be eased at least a little bit. 

That doesn't work anymore. I feel just as shitty when I do it, except now I'm leaving deep wounds all over myself.

I sighed and got off my bed. I didn't want to just keep lying down. They would just start spinning even more so. 

I tried to walk, but my legs were heavy. I could only go at a crawling pace. After all, that's expected. I can't even fucking walk right. 

I walked slowly down to see Phil and Tommy sitting idly at the table. Phil glanced up at me and nodded his head. 

I walked right past him out the door. There wasn't any point in saying hello to them. They knew that I wasn't going to. It takes way too much energy to even try doing that. 

I took a deep breath in and looked around. It was a cloudy and dreary day; perfectly fitting. I just wanted to walk. I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was just going to walk. I needed to do something. 

I looked up at the sky, squinting my eyes. I wish I was up there. I could be free from all my troubles, and finally, just get to live. I wouldn't be pushed down to Earth; I could just live. I just want to live. 

Even outside, in the cold fresh air, my thoughts were still racing. They needed to stop repeating themselves. Like seriously, I already know that everyone I care about is going to be leaving me at one point or another; like seriously be creative sometimes. 

It was a hard thought to think about actually; being all alone. Knowing everyone one day will leave abandon you because they no longer care is inevitable. It's always coming, you just really don't know when. It could come tomorrow, or even in a month. But they will leave. 

They don't really care about me. I stared at the ground. No one really does. They'll say they do, but that's because they'll look bad if they don't. If I'm gone, and they never said they cared, they could be seriously screwed. After all, humans are selfish creatures who only want what's best for them. 

I blinked my eyes tightly and looked around. Ah, I was in town. But no one was here. The streets were quiet and empty. 

I walked around the town, looking for a sign of anyone. Everyone had just left. They abandoned this place. Me. I slid to the ground and curled up into a ball. I knew this was going to happen, but I didn't expect it today. Why today of all days? Why can't I just have one last happy memory before they all leave me?

As I always do, I rolled up my sleeve and pulled my knife out of my pocket. I was still on the ground, but I didn't care. Maybe this could help. Maybe this would bring everyone back. Maybe they would all come back and tell me everything's okay. 

One after another, I ran the blade across my wrist. Each slice stung, but none of them helped. I pressed the blade down harder on my skin and cut even deeper. Please, I thought as I sobbed, please bring them back. I can't be on my own. Please, please! My head started to get light, but I didn't care. This was supposed to help. It would help eventually. It would bring them back. It would help me feel better. It would fix all my problems. My vision went dark and my head hit the pavement. 

I heard screaming as I jolted awake. I looked around, only to notice I was still on the sidewalk, laying in a pool of my own blood. I glanced up towards the scream, only to see a small child, with wide eyes, staring at me. 

I smiled. It worked! It worked! Everyone is back! They really didn't abandon me after all. 

I jumped up to my feet and looked around. There.... there were people everywhere! I laughed, bringing more attention to myself. I remember the blood and took a glance at my wrist. Well, I mean I don't really know what to say. They were a little dirty and still bleeding. I slid my sleeve down over them and started to walk home. 

I was proud of myself. I had brought everyone back. They didn't really abandon me. I was always happy to see people. They reminded me of times I would never experience, a bliss that I could never know. 

I reached the front door and slowly pushed it open. I peeked my head through the door only to, once again, see no one. Maybe everyone had gone grocery shopping and just forgot me? Maybe they were playing video games in Techno's room? Maybe they were out talking a walk? Maybe Tommy was getting help with his homework? Maybe-

My racing thoughts were interrupted by a loud slam. I turned, only to be greeted with anger. 

"Uh- hel-"

"Shut up, Wil. Where the hell were you? You've been gone for more than 6 hours! You wouldn't pick up your phone; no one even knew where you were!" Phil was fuming, but I was just glad to know that he noticed. 

I put on a smile as I headed to my room. "Ah, sorry Dadza, I was just walking around downtown and I guess I got a little lost in my thoughts is all. Sorry to worry you!" Phil didn't look totally convinced, but he let me leave anyways. 

I sat down on the floor and pulled out some bandages. Before I went to curl up again, I needed to at least pretend to take care of my wounds. I winced as I wrapped them, but I eventually got them all taken care of. 

I crawled up to my bed and just laid on my side. My mind went blank as my eyes unfocused and nothing felt real. Hey, this felt kinda nice, I thought, as time slowly started slipping through my fingers. 

(1280 words)