New to This || Sebastian Stan x Reader

the call

april
post-production

In the glow of his phone and against the white of his bedsheets he looks grey. His eyes are almost sunken, hugged by bags that can't be hidden. When he smiles at you the happiness almost makes it to his eyes, they almost crease at the edges. There's a glimmer in them, a shine that disappears when it's quiet. 

"You're not sleeping." You say and he avoids the screen, moving to get something so he doesn't have to look at you.

"I'm fine." It's a mumble as the pixels settle on a solid Sebastian again, drinking from a bottle of water as he leans you against the lamp on his bedside table. 

"You look like shit."

"Wow, thanks." He scoffs with a smile, putting his drink away.

"You do, though. We don't lie to each other, remember. No sugar coating. What's wrong?" You're on your own bed, holding your hand up above you. 

"I don't know. I really don't."

"Are you sleeping?" You ask, turning onto your side now so you can concentrate on him instead of grasping onto the phone to stop it from falling onto your face. 

"Not really." He runs a hand through his hair and you think he's shaking. 

"Eating?"

"Sure." He's moving again, off the screen so you can't see him but you can hear the echoes of his movements, whatever he's doing to keep himself distracted and away from your stare. 

"Seb, are you eating?" You press as he comes back into shot and sits down again.

"Yeah, I am. I promise." 

"Are you happy?"

He pauses now, brows animated as he thinks. He looks to his side, eyes not knowing where to look. Scanning the room as he bites at his lower lip which trembles before he sucks it into his mouth. 

"I think so." He says, lips wet and pink again. 

"You don't look it." You say because he doesn't. It wasn't hard to say, to blurt the words out, it was hard because they meant something. Because it was true. 

"I'm scared," Sebastian says, running his fingers through his hair again. It shines in the glow from his lamp. "Do you ever feel like you've fucked up?" He doesn't wait for an answer. "Like at some point in your life, you picked the wrong path. It takes you where you wanna go just not the way you wanted to get there. And your friends are all on this other path having the time of their lives and you're trying to figure out this maze and you're lost. But you can't turn back."

He stops to breathe, his eyes watching you as he waits for your answer. Wanting to hear that you know exactly how he feels, that you're there too.

"I don't think so." You say. 

"Well, that's good." It's a small smile as you watch him shift. "I never want that for you."

"Is that how you feel then?"

"All the time. My head doesn't stop, replaying shit when I try to get to sleep."

"Seb, I'm sorry. What time is it with you?"

He glances behind his phone. "Two a.m." 

"Okay. You need to go to sleep." You say, reminded of your three hour time difference as he films in LA. Ignoring the fact that New York is noisier outside now as people stir and the streets come alive.

"I can't." He scoffs, fingers gripping at his hair again as he smiles. 

"You can. I'll make sure of it." Your voice is low and his eyes soften as you talk. "Now get into bed, I'll be right here."

"Y/N..."

"It's worth a try, Seb. Please?" 

He looks at you. You watch his chest rise and fall as he breathes. Calmer than they had been and his hands look steady again. You'd rather be there with him, holding him until he finally slept, but you'd never tell him. You wondered what he thought about in your silence, what raced through his mind as he stares. 

Sebastian pulls at his covers and crawls under them. 

"Okay?" You ask as he adjusts, hands under his cheek as he turns to face you again. Skin still a grey from the blue of his screen. 

"Okay."