Not the way you think

Secret place

Its been months since I got into that accident, its been weeks since I last spoke to Blake, but who can blame him, I went back to Alec even after he confesed he he had feelings for me I still choose Alec. Its also been days since I was able to see my mom, I had to put her back into that horrible place. But it's for her own good, or so they say.

Ive been getting notes again, and this time more frequent than before, and they no longer just ask me why did I do it, but now threanten me with telling everyone about my father and how I killed him unless I give them what they want. Which they have yet to tell me what is the thing they want in order to just leave me alone.

Right now Im at my "secret" place how I like to call it. My small apartment by the beach, where I go to paint or write whenever I need to think or I get worried or stressed about something, its my escape from everything. No one knows I have this apartment, I mean who will? I dont talk to my mother and Alec is to prouccupied with school and work to ever notice that im gone.

I have sketches of my fathers corpse surrouned by blood or of me holding a bloody knife, mostly just come from memories or nightmares accumulated by the years. But the one that I keep drawing and painting before I even realize what im doing is the picture that I have never been able to erase from my mind. The crazy look of my father while looking at a tied up Alec in the background all full of blood, his hair sticking onto his forhead, his shirt all ripped and dirty, his sweat covered body sitting limply on the wooden chair in the middle of the room, His eyes almost liveless, pale skin, and weak and frigile.

Ive drawn it a million times in different positions and angles but its still inprinted in my mind like a mind tattoo. But on top of beeing one of my drawings and paintings is my number one nightmare at night, I wake up sweaty with tears in my eyes almost every night because I keep having the same dream.

I guess I still feel responsible for that, guilty almost. No matter how many times I tell myself I had nothing to do with my father's actions I cant help but feel this way for if it wasnt for me Alec never would've been in that position to begin with, if only I had stayed away like he told me too, Alec would've never gotten hurt and never would've ended in that hospital room.

I try to tell myself to move on and in so ways I have, it used to be a lot worse but its still hard to when the effects of my past still affect my present and possibly future.

I look myself in the mirrow and say this isnt me, this isnt who I am. But I still pull the trigger that ends my life...

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Since I saw there was no comments even though i waited for months, i decided to just end this book. hope you like the ending even though this wasnt the ending i wanted for my story this is what you guys will get.

ill most likely start another story soon...

 See you soon -Amanda