hikari means light

25

TW
- SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
- SELF HATE/DOUBT
- SWEARING
- INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS
- RUNNING AWAY

IZUKU POV

After a slow, annoying, long drive back to the house my social battery had officially died. Not that I had one to begin with but let's just pretend I did.
Also the silence in car gave my mind room to think and say whatever it wanted which was a pain in my ass. Intrusive and suicidal thoughts are fun. We drove past a relatively large tall building on the way back to the house which triggered the thoughts.

'I would die if I jumped from there'

and that's how it started.
When we pulled into the driveway and the car had stopped I got out of the car straight away and went to walk inside.
I walked straight to 'my room' then closed and locked the door. Im not sure why they thought it'd be a good idea to give me a room with a lock on the door but they did and it greatly benefits me. I walk over to the bed and lay down on it trying to get rid of the thoughts and voices in my mind.

'You could kill them and run away'
'You could kill them and then kill yourself'
'You could just stab yourself with that huge kitchen knife'
'What if you ran away?'
'What if they all hate you?'
'What if they're all just pitying you?'
'Everyone at school hates you'
'Hitoshi think you're weird'
'Go set something on fire'
'Go write your suicide notes and hang yourself'
'You should cut your hair'
'Go eat'
'Stop faking all your problems idiot'
'Go cut random lines on your skin'

Some are worse then others and some are really bad bad thoughts. Sometimes I listened to them and I did what they told me too but I didn't feel like it today. I hated myself and wanted to die but I didn't have the energy to go through with it you know? I was done listening to the thoughts they were annoying me it was like I couldn't escape them. Its like living in a tiny box while being claustrophobic.
I got off my bed and went to get my phone and earphones. Once I got them I went and layed on my carpeted floor. I put in my earphones and clicked on my favourite playlist 'rock solid' on Spotify (fav playlist atm)
I put my phone in my hoodie pocket (pretend he got changed at some point) and closed my eyes. The rock music was on the loudest volume. The first song that played was Self Esteem by The Offspring. I put my arm over my eyes while the music drowned out any thoughts. My ability to listen to, hear or think about anything other then the loud music in my ears was destroyed as I layed on the carpet floor.

I'm not sure how long I was laying there but at some point I felt the floor shake a little and could hear faint banging. I took one earphone out and could instantly hear banging and slight distraught yelling coming from my door. I got up and went to the door, unlocking it and opening it half way. There stood aizawa and toshi that seemed to have a look of relief on their faces as they saw me, hitoshi more so then aziawa. They didn't say anything yet and just stood looking at me for a couple seconds so I closed my door on them and walked further into the room actually going to the bed this time. I had kept the door unlocked this time incase they decided they wanted me again and wouldn't bang on the door. Before I could put my earphone back in I was interrupted by a voice talking and opening my door.

"Hey zuzu" it was toshi.
I didn't respond and rolled over to him but when I did I saw aizawa aswell.

"Izuku why was the door locked? It doesnt matter if it's closed but It doesn't need to be locked. We aren't going to murder you" Aizawa says. I rolled my eyes.

"If im not allowed to lock It then why is there a lock" I said as I looked him straight in the eye. That's when I noticed toshi again who was now sitting on the floor about a metre away from the bed leaning against the wall.

"Toshi why are you here" I asked as I looked towards him.

"Wanted to watch the dadzawa lecture"
He stated simply with a shrug. Of course he did. Fucking purple shit.