The Gift of Merci

Chapter 4 - Law of Reverse Effort

In life, there's something called the law of reverse effort. 

"The more you try to succeed, the less you do." It's a confusing paradox in life, isn't it?

Indeed, it is. It's like when you're trying to recall something, and the harder you try, the more it eludes you. It's like when you want to say something but can't seem to find the words. The more you press to remember, the further it slips away, only to hit you randomly later on. That's what they call the law of reversed effort.

Right. The more you force something, the more difficult it becomes. But it doesn't mean you can just relax and do nothing. It's about letting your subconscious take charge after setting a goal with your conscious mind. It's about directing your focus consciously and then letting your subconscious handle the rest. Like that pink elephant exercise. You try not to think about it, but it keeps coming back to your mind. The more you try not to think about it, the more it intrudes your thoughts. It's like how trying too hard to succeed can backfire. The more you obsess about it, the more you're reminded of what you lack. The focus on lack disrupts your creativity and impairs your decision-making abilities. And ironically, when you try not to think about something, it only makes it more persistent in your mind. It's similar when striving for a goal. If you obsess over it, you're constantly reminded of what you don't have, hindering your progress.

But isn't it necessary to work hard to achieve our goals?

Definitely. There's a difference between working hard and trying hard. Working hard propels you forward, but trying hard obstructs your path. So, it's about setting the direction consciously and then letting your subconscious guide you toward it? Your conscious mind sets the goal, and your subconscious works on achieving it. The key is to let each part of your mind do its job. That makes sense. It's about finding that balance between effort and allowing things to unfold naturally. It's about conscious direction and subconscious navigation.

Reverse effort is why sand sits in your palm when it's open and relaxed, but slips through your fingers when you grip it tightly. It's why so many people find love when they "aren't looking for it," and why effortlessness is an element of everything we find truly beautiful. It is why we are told that "easy does it," and that to let go is to allow good things to blossom in our lives. Unfortunately, all of this is in direct opposition to what we're taught about success.

We imagine that we could achieve higher states of being by exerting more force. We think that we can manipulate ourselves into physical, our surroundings into showroom-level beauty, and our relationships into idealized versions of what they really are. And we think this because, to a degree, we find it to be true.

It is true that we must first pick up the sand to hold it, that we must be open to finding love to find it at all, and that we must show up and take action to create our lives. Our behavior is, without question, directly responsible for the outcomes of our lives.

But there is a difference between what we show up and do our best at, and what we show up and try to manipulate into what it was never supposed to be. That is where so many people get stuck.

Trying to make your life perfect is preventing it from being good enough. When we are intent on trying to manipulate outcomes into what they were never intended to become, we end up inching toward our idea of perfection while at the same time feeling as though we are farther and farther behind.

This mindset leads us to stay in relationships that aren't right for us, remain attached to people who aren't meant to be part of our future, try to fix small things that don't need to be fixed in the first place, adjust small details that were fine the first time around.

It's this mindset that leads us to ignore timing and override our instincts.

It's this mindset that keeps us walking in circles, our eyes down on the ground, never feeling like any progress is enough.

It's this mindset that leaves us feeling like a shell of the people we were meant to be because when we chase perfection, we are trying to create an image.

When we chase "good enough," we are trying to create a feeling.

Good enough is not giving up. It is not settling. It is not throwing your hands up once you've gotten far enough that you can relax. Good enough is a state of mind in which every step, and every day, has goodness within it. Good enough means that we do not wait until we arrive somewhere new to start enjoying our lives.

It means that we can see clearly and act with integrity.

It means that as often as we rise up and control what we can, we also release and let go of what we can't.

It means that we are not in "correct" mode all of the time, rather, we gear ourselves to appreciate. It's when we allow our eyes to gravitate toward what is already good, and what might be better.

It means that we move with a love for life, and ourselves. It means that we acknowledge the imperfect beauty of everything around us.

But more than anything, it is when we recognize that anything that flows out of us naturally, any relationship that coheres effortlessly, any art that erupts from us like a second nature... is far better than anything we have to force to be good.

Nothing has to be perfect to be enough.

Because it never will be perfect, and it always can be enough.

The choice, in the end, is ours.

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I had a meaningful experience reading my mother's book. She truly remains my inspiration. Even though she's no longer here, I wish I could express to her how her legacy and her books have been guiding lights in my life.I aspire to publish my own books in the near future, with the hope that they will leave a lasting impact. When my time comes, I want people to remember me through the words I've written in my books.