The Gift of Merci

Chapter 19 - Upside Down

I forget how to take care of myself in times like these. I forget to eat sometimes. Or sometimes I binge. It varies each time I sink again. This time, the food seems unappetizing. I feel nauseous a lot. Nothing I eat sits well with me. I get stomach aches and feel lethargic. I can't focus, and I get antsy. I can't even get through 20 pages of a book without getting distracted when normally I can read 300 pages straight through. Movies are easier. They take less work. But even then, I can't focus much. I don't write much. I just think. It's been a while since I've written a journal or blog post. It makes me feel unproductive. Like I'm failing. It makes me question my abilities and my future. I think a lot, but at the same time, I feel numb.

What is really happening?

Today, I didn't attend the Google Meet. I didn't pass any of my assignments this week. This was my second time doing it and It felt odd. My anxiety starts kicking in.

What if, I fail?

I started making excuses. I started contradicting my goals. I don't know. I am so tired. Suddenly I sit here, right in the chest, feeling lost and unsure where to look for direction. I spent too long denying my own feelings and now I feel like I am the one who is unraveling. I have written many articles about the Alpha woman: The strong, independent, self-sufficient woman.

It sounds nice, doesn't it? And now, it's me who has become pale and worn out.

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I found myself slipping further into a state of numbness and disconnection from the world around me. I couldn't find the motivation to take care of myself, forgetting to eat or binging without control. The constant variation in my behaviors reflected the chaos within me.

Each day felt like a battle against my own mind and body. The simple act of eating became a challenge as nothing seemed appetizing, and I suffered from frequent bouts of nausea and stomach aches. My energy levels plummeted, leaving me lethargic and unable to focus on even the simplest tasks.

Reading, an activity that once brought me solace, now seemed like an insurmountable task. I couldn't concentrate on the words, and my mind wandered endlessly. Even writing, which was once a means of expression, became a distant memory. The lack of productivity weighed heavily on my self-worth, and I questioned my abilities and future. I tried to attend a Google Meet, but the anxiety and fear of failure were paralyzing. I couldn't bring myself to face the pressure, so I made excuses and avoided the situation altogether. The thought of failing again intensified my anxiety, and I felt trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and despair.

I had spent so long pretending to be the strong, independent woman—an alpha woman who had it all together. But now, the façade had crumbled, and I felt like an empty shell of my former self. The exhaustion and weariness were evident in my appearance, reflecting the internal turmoil I was experiencing. What was really happening? I didn't have all the answers. It felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotions without a lifeline to cling to. The numbness I felt was both a blessing and a curse—a way to protect myself from the pain, but also a barrier preventing me from truly living.

I realized that I couldn't keep denying my own feelings. I needed to confront my struggles head-on and seek help. But the path forward felt foggy and uncertain, leaving me feeling lost and directionless. In the past, I had written articles celebrating strength and resilience, but now I found myself on the other side of the spectrum—feeling vulnerable and broken. It was a humbling realization that we all have our moments of weakness, regardless of how strong we appear on the surface.