Trouble

|Chapter Twelve| Eglantine

[Eglantine]: I wound to heal

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| Chapter Twelve |

My eyes are wide open, my mind is awake, but I can't move or speak.

I can see the darkness swallowing my room, can feel my heart race from fear of imagining something I shouldn't, but I can't force my body and mind to function.

It's sleep paralysis... again, and I hate it. I hate how my feet won't move even when I try to force them to, how my eyes won't blink or close, and how my mouth won't open in a scream. I feel a teardrop run down my cheek because of my helplessness and I smile mentally because at least I can feel the wetness on my skin.

Latte, ballet, sunrises, butterflies...

I started to have these episodes after the accident years ago, and I can't do anything other than mentally repeat all the things that make me happy until I eventually fall asleep again.

Before, it used to be more terrifying. I'd lie in bed facing the ceiling, without moving or making a sound, while my mind would play tricks on me. I'd imagine seeing a hairy demon hovering over me, studying me with big black eyes. I'd imagine the ceiling covered with tiny insects, red eyes staring at me from the corner and so much more, but the worst is when I see my mom.

She is always hanging from the ceiling upside down, her mouth open in a silent scream and eyes staring at me... Exactly how my eyes caught her for a short instance as our car rolled and came to a stop on the side of the road.

Landscapes, Friends, shoes, dimples, our treehouse, Connor as a kid...

It's all in my head, of course, nothing I see during these episodes is real and I know it, but I can't stop myself from seeing them anyway no matter how hard I try.

I meant it when I told Connor that he could never destroy me because I destroy me.

My mind is my most dangerous enemy and that... is the scariest thing ever.

***

My cold doesn't go away for another day, so I stay at home again. This time, though, I don't let either Sydney or Jack skip their classes to babysit me, because I feel relatively okay.

I try to brush off last night, the sleep paralysis, and the reality of them being back in my life again after almost a year. Even though it's extremely hard not to dwell on it, I spend the day trying to work on my final project for the semester and narrowing down the list of characters I want to be for this Halloween.

I LOVE Halloween, it's my favorite holiday because it was mom's favorite. She'd always go out of her way to make everything look extremely festive. She would decorate our home with fake corpses, ravens, pumpkins, black cats, and such. We'd always match our outfits and complete each other.