Trouble

|Chapter Twenty-One| Sunflower

[Sunflower]: Even in adversity, beautiful and pure things can emerge

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"I'm sorry, but I'm not in love with you. I'm sorry, but you don't make my heart race. I'm sorry, but I've been mentally cheating on you... all the time. I was always waiting on someone and I think I still hate you a little for stealing my first kiss. As well as not understanding my obsession with 'Friends', but that's beyond the point.

I'm sorry I'm hurting you, even though I know how you feel about me. I'm just... so sorry. If you're ready to let me go, if you're sure it won't hurt you anymore than it already does, I want to stay friends. I don't want to lose you, but I also want what's best for you, so tell me what can I do to stop hurting you more?"

I flip my review mirror shut once I'm done rehearsing what I'm going to tell Jack in a couple of minutes, before getting out of my car and making my way to his building.

After my awaking while watching 'Sleeping Beauty' I drove home, nearly crossing a red light several times.

I wanted to decide the setting of our break-up in peace. How was I going to even do it, when, what day of the week? Was it better to choose Saturday so he'd have some time to recover for his classes on Monday? Should it be sometime in the morning or maybe late at night so he could sleep it off?

How should I start our ending, which words would hurt him less?

Those endless thoughts and possibilities kept me up all night. And I couldn't even talk to Syd about it, because yes, she's always known I am not in love with him, and yes they even fought all the time, but still, we were a trio, and I didn't want to tell it to her before I talked about it with Jack first.

After restlessly pacing around in my apartment, four pieces of paper full of dark wildflowers sketches and tossing in bed for hours, I couldn't take it anymore.

I realized I was going to explode if I didn't talk to him tonight. So I jumped out of bed, grabbed my phone and keys in a rush, and drove to Jack's place at four in the morning, without even changing out of my white Victorian sleeveless nightgown.

I didn't even take my time choosing shoes, which says a lot, since I never do that. Just slipped into the first pair of satin ballerinas I saw and flew out the door.

I need to do this tonight, or I can never master enough courage, so how I'll look while breaking his heart is certainly the last thing on my mind.

Jack's been living with some friends since last month. They are renting a large apartment not far from the uni, so they can study and practice basketball together whenever they want.

I have been at his place only once, since I don't quite like his new friends. They are as smart as they are arrogant and judgmental, which is a lot. They can make you feel small with one assertive glare or remark. I don't personally pay attention to those, but it doesn't mean I'd not be affected if I heard one.