The Psychology of Love

Chapter 19 Exclusion

Chapter 19    Exclusion

"Your file says Hassan, why do you introduce yourself as Mustafa in the initial session?", Sam asks his subject at the 1st session.

He liked Mustafa right away. The intake interview proceeded with good humor. Mustafa smiles and laughs heartily. He seems warm-hearted and is socially very engaged. However, he has not yet discovered access to his unconscious. His good upbringing and intelligence formed a strong ego. And so he apparently rarely got into inner conflicts.

This Mustafa is now sitting across from Sam in the office. He is the 3 p.m. session. He also took a closer look at his file today as he struggled to pass the time. Today's session with YU isn't until 6 p.m., and for Sam, the minutes pass like hours.

He tries to distract himself, to keep his mind on the sessions.

Even though he feels ready, knows what he wants and has found his inner balance, he can't deny that his heart is fluttering, pounding, racing, skipping.

It has been all day. His heart seems to be addicted to mania. He can't help it, he longs for it.

And so he sits across from Mustafa, keeping up appearances.

Brilliant as always. Only with a wild heart.

And this Mustafa, Sam was astonished to discover today, is actually named Hassan.

Hassan has Lebanese roots, but was born in Berlin. His parents do not speak German, although they have lived in Germany for 34 years. He has several siblings. Some older, some younger. All educated and successful.

"That's a funny story," Hassan begins, laughing, "The name was given to me by my friends in high school."

"And will you tell me the story about it, too?" directs Sam.

We had a history teacher who used to call me that when he talked about me. I was just such a Mustafa," Hassan says, laughing again, "Such a Mustafa!

He thought it was funny. So did we. So my friends started calling me Mustafa, too," Hassan reports, visibly amused.

Sam pauses for a moment, wondering if Hassan even realizes the gravity of his story.

"What's so funny about Mustafa?", Sam tries to draw Hassan out.

Hassan politely replies, "Well, you know. The name Mustafa is a common name in the Orient. And here in Berlin, many people are called Mustafa."

Sam is silent for a moment and looks at Hassan urgently.

"Hassan is also a common name. So why Mustafa? Why didn't he call you Hassan? Wouldn't that be just as funny?" asks Sam seriously.

Hassan contorts his face for a fleeting moment and smiles again.

"I guess he thought Mustafa was funnier," he explains.

"And what do you think of Mustafa?" asks Sam.

"It's just a name. My name is Hassan, though.", his voice sounds deeper.

"Then why do you let yourself be called Mustafa? You even introduced yourself to me last week as Mustafa. What's your name now?", Sam goads him.

"Hassan.", he now replies annoyed, "My name is Hassan. Not Mustafa. Hassan."

And Hassan feels a rising anger. Why does he have to keep asking him the same question? What is he even allowing himself to do?

And Sam sees Hassan transferring his repressed anger to him. The anger that comes from disappointment and being marginalized. And as a negative driver always makes life in a foreign country more difficult for the marginalized.

Sam knows that it now depends on his countertransference for Hassan to perceive and live through his repressed feelings.

"Such a Mustafa. How do you feel about that statement?" asks Sam calmly.

Hassan swallows and remains silent.

"Mhmmm. A history teacher, you say. A role model who shows children the history of mankind. He can't tell a Mustafa from a Hassan," Sam thinks aloud.

"He doesn't want to see the difference.

Or he just wants to see differences.

I just look like one of the Mustafas.

We all look the same.

The main thing is that we look different from the Germans.

You are always put in front of a mirror.

You are different.

You don't belong," Hassan gushes, "I mean, how many times have I been praised for being a good foreigner?

A good foreigner.

Apparently not a bad one like Mustafa, then."

Hassan shakes his head and begins to recall various anecdotes of his life.

Whether positive or negative racism, his stories show that he has always had to jump hurdles in his educational journey. Hurdles that were put in his way because he is just a Mustafa.

He lightens up. Reports that he would like to appear particularly eloquent because of it.

That this injury only makes him stronger. He will not stop showing people that differences do not matter.

That diversity is colorful and beautiful.

Sam listens contentedly to Hassan's remarks, while his heart goes on another roller coaster ride.

He thinks about YU. He will see him soon.

And he wants to be honest with him. Explain. Describe.

Ask for forgiveness.

And he hopes his heart, which is going crazy today, will hold out until 6pm.

Sam looks at the clock above the door and ends the session.

Hassan and Sam have the analysis conversation while walking on Museum Island in the historic center of Berlin near Humboldt University.

As they walk along the five museums of the most important museum complex in Europe, they also talk about the psychological causes of racism. A worldwide human weakness that arises from fear and is reinforced by social psychological phenomena.

Hassan tells Sam about his friends who compensated for this kind of exclusion through destructive behaviors. Also excluded. Never were able to gain a foothold in their new homeland. Only stayed in their own culture.

And Sam notes inwardly that he wants to talk to Hassan about his parents in the next session. What it does to him that they still don't know German. That the children have always had to take care of all the official business. That there has never been a parents' evening at school.

Sam is in good spirits. Hassan is very sympathetic to him. He also feels relieved. Talking helps. Him too.

And when he notices on the clock that it's already 5:25 p.m., adrenaline rushes through his veins. He says goodbye and walks briskly back to campus.

He wants to be there when YU knocks early. He grins at the thought and walks faster.