Tears

Friday 2021 January 29

I'm in my room in a google meet talking with friends in Advisory.

My dad scares me by opening the door.

"I'm not going to close this," he tells me.

'um, okay, then I'll close it' - I think to myself.

I get up and close the door when he leaves.

Sitting back, again, to listen to the conversation in the meet, my dad opens the door again and walks in.

"I told you not to close the door,"

"I want privacy," I state.

"I don't care," he states, "You're not being part of the family if you're in here isolating yourself,"

"Daddy, I'm in school,"

After all, my brother is at school and my dad's going to work right now... So what 'part of the family' does he mean?

"It matters what happens at home more than at school, Leave the door open,"

"But Daddy, It's my room and I want my privacy," I say.

His face turns red, frustration in him as he trys to contain it.
It doesn't work.

"Come here," he yells.

I follow him as he leaves my room and walks to the dining room table.

I try to act chill like this doesn't bother me, but at the same time show my annoyance at the situation. How so bizarre he acts at me for just closing the door to MY room.

He sits down and so do I, I look down as he speaks.

"You're isolating yourself,"  he tells me, " I told you to come outside several times,"

"I just want my privacy," I tell him, staring at him now, my voice bored.

"I told you yesterday, that I would throw away your computers. I don't want you to isolate yourself when I'm gone. I'll stay if that's the case,"

"When you're gone, we don't isolate ourselves. I just stay in my room the first two periods," I tell him, still trying to act unfazed.

"Well, you only have to tell me," he states, acting like the whole conversation is my fault.

I stand up, thinking that this conversation is over.

"We aren't done here," he tells me.

I turn back around, annoyed but obey to his demand anyway.
I walk back to my seat and stare at the table.

He speaks about irrelevant things as I think of Mamma.
I miss her so much. I want her.

Tears start to build up in my eyes, but I keep them in. 

My father rambles on with his stupid speech, as usual when I do something 'out of line', and then he asks me a question.
I don't register what he said and look up at his face.

"You're so mean," I tell him, my tears beginning to fall.

"Mean? I'm not mean," he says, acting appalled at my statement, bobbing his head back as he says his words.

I look away.

"If I was mean I would scream at you and lock you in your room. I'm not mean, I'm rational,"

Breath in...Breath out...

My breath comes out shaky as I listen to him speak.

My tears roll down my cheeks.
I try to stop crying, but then I begin to cry even more.

Thinking about Mamma.
I miss her so much.

"Why are you crying," My dad asks me, like as if I don't have a reason to.

I look up at him and then back down.

I can't look at him.

My cries are silent but I can feel and hear the small hiccup sound as I try to hold in my tears.

"I don't know," I say, shaking my head.

I don't remember the rest of the conversation.

I leave the room when it ends and enter the bathroom, closing the door and locking it. Keeping the light off, I sit, grabbing toilet paper to blow my nose.

Whenever these small conversations,which seem to always effect me but not HIM, I always go to the bathroom and cry.

I stand up slowly and face the mirror, look at myself in the reflection. My eyes liquidy, yet beautiful.  I sit down on the toilet seat, hearing my father's footsteps moving towards the kitchen.
My eyes continue to stay droopy as I wait for my dad to leave, trying to stay calm, but my thoughts get the best of me.

I sit there and the cries come again.

My tears roll down my cheeks and I slouch down onto my knees. My hands in my hair as I do so.

I let it all out and cry.

Breathing in and out.

My shaky breath.

My eyes shut.

Breathing in and out.

I listen as I sit quietly. I can hear my meet still going on.

"Mina?" some of the girls in the meet, call.

"Mina?" the advisory teacher says, "Mina, you there," I hear her ask as I cry in the bathroom.