“Mima, please don’t make me leave you another voicemail! Why aren’t you talking to me? “ I listen to Jayne whine down my phone at me for about the twentieth time in the last fortnight. Why won’t she get the hint and leave me alone? And then I quickly realise if the boot was on the other foot I’d be calling her non stop too. Its not just her, pretty much Jack and Greta are the only human beings I’ve spoken too in the past fourteen days.
I just don’t have the strength to explain this to anyone, my mental health is taking a battering over these crazy dreams about a baby boy, when I close my eyes he comes to me with his dark curly hair and blue eyes. His childish giggles fill my ears when I try to sleep. It’s almost as if he’s the ghost of all lost dreams and possibilities, except babies were never my dream and that’s why I don’t understand my reaction to this I mulled over to myself.
I feel down and my Doctor tells me it’s normal to feel this fatigue when caring for a loved one with all of Jack’s limitations and increasing problems, the recent changes to his life such as catheters for peeing and now a colostomy bag had hit us both hard, he was embarrassed by my help in that area before and now he was doubly embarrassed by my having to clean and change it. I tried to make light of it but I wasn’t feeling particularly light myself. I felt burdened and I didn’t like it at all and because I felt burdened I also felt guilty. I just wished Jack’s family were here to help take care of him that I wasn’t so alone, that maybe some more of our old friends got involved.
My heart misses Marshall and the comfort and fun he used to bring to me but even that’s ruined and overshadowed by the cruel things we said to one another. Could we ever recover from that and would he ever want too!
I’d never wanted children but the thought of a baby growing inside of me made me suddenly want it for just the smallest of moments. It was a challenge just to get out of bed in the morning at the moment and I couldn’t eat either. In summary I was a completely depressed mess of a woman, that’s how I was diagnosing myself in this self pitying rabbit hole I was buried deep in anyway.
I sit up in bed and look at myself naked in front of a full length mirror, my eyes tracing over the scars covering my upper body, closing my eyes, I blinked rapidly and tried to get rid of the erotic image saved In my head of Marshall nibbling his way gently along the thicker one that saved my life. I thought he was going to save me but I’d realised pretty soon that I couldn’t just ask him to wait around for me, it could be years, that would never be fair to ask of him and I didn’t want to even think about Jack dying, I wasn’t ready for that and the very thought terrified me.
I’m so lost in my dark thoughts that Jack is even able to sneak up on me in his chair “Jazzy, you ever leaving the house again?” groaning I turn my body away from him not wanting to get into this with him “Greta says you didn’t go out last week, it’s Wednesday again and you’re still in bed!” he’s being totally lighthearted about it but I can sense the burning questions that he’s not asking me.
“Jazz you haven’t been yourself the past couple of weeks, what happened? I’m not used to being the happy one in this relationship” he sounds genuinely worried about me and I know that because he’s trying to be funny.
“I’m okay Jack, just feeling a bit tired that’s all” I mumble to the wall in front of me hoping he takes the hint and moves away from me, making a mental note to speak to Greta later. Its none of her business what I do.
But the sound of the wheelchair moving closer signals he’s not giving up “I know it’s kind of awkward for us to talk about but have you and Marshall fallen out?”
Awesome this was just the chat I didn’t want to happen but I owe him the truth and I’ve never kept him in the dark before.
“Or is it Jayne, she keeps calling and asking why you won’t return her calls” I sigh loudly, accepting my fate and the fact I’m not getting out of this conversation without participating a bit at least.
