I'm tired of black men...but then again I'm not

Justin - I F*CKED Up!

I can't eliminate the image of Shay's face when I glanced up at her after detaching my lips from Samantha's. The gaze she had, stung me worse than a bee, and I can't shake the feeling it gave me.

When Shay decided she wanted to get some rest because she was exhausted from the flight and lunch, I understood. So, I left her to be as I headed downstairs to the kitchen to grab a bottle of beer and relax a bit myself before tonight's activities.

I'm not going to lie, but sometimes these Christmas dinners can be a little overwhelming with so many people from all over.

They are mostly family, friends, and people that my mother is striving to impress, which it's so fucking aggravating. So I usually have to prepare myself to deal with such egotistical people psychologically.

It was so bad when I was younger that I would sneak off somewhere and get high off my sister's stash of weed that she had hidden under her bed in a shoebox that she thought I didn't know anything about. But that only lasted for a while because she eventually caught me and hid her weed somewhere else, so after that, I would just get drunk off the supply of champagne they were serving to our overbearing guess.

So all I'm trying to say is that I had to be either drunk or high to handle these ridiculous Christmas dinners. SMH!

Anyways, once I arrive downstairs, Samantha is sitting at the kitchen island chatting with my mom. When they see me, my mom quickly finishes up the convo and heads upstairs, leaving Samantha and me alone for the first time today.

I was kind of agitated when she left because I knew she left on purpose, which I definitely will discuss with her later on.

Anywho, now that Samantha and I are left alone, which by the way, hasn't happened in over five years (so you can only imagine how awkward it was at first). Nonetheless, we begin talking like there was no lapse in time.

The chemistry was still there, and it made it easy to let my guard down. A few beers also lightened the mood and relaxed me, so I wasn't on edge.

After talking and drinking, one thing led to another, and before I knew it, I pressed my lips to hers. At first, she was caught off guard but instantly engaged and started kissing me back.

I couldn't help myself, she looked so good after all these years, and I'm going to feel guilty saying this, but I actually did miss her. Especially since we never left on bad terms. Plus, you never fully get over your first love, even though I thought I had.

When we were dating back in college, we concluded we needed a break from one another. We had been dating since High School and friends since grade school. So all we knew was each other, so in unison, we felt it was best if we went our separate ways but stay cool, not tarnishing our friendship. However, over the years, we lost contact and haven't seen each other until today.

I would be lying if I said it was easy to let her go, but that's far from the truth. I loved her more than anything, but I knew it was best.

The night we broke it off, I called my mom and cried on the phone like a baby, not the proudest moment of my manhood, but it happened. So my mom definitely knew what she was doing by inviting Samantha over here today. She was purposely trying to sabotage what Kashay and I have and put Samantha and I back together.

I have to say "mission accomplished" because I would be lucky if Kashay ever talks to me again, and the thought alone frightens me and makes me nauseous.

Shay is just so different from any woman I've ever dated. She brought something new and fresh to my life. Her luscious chocolate skin melts in my mouth, her scent tiptoes on my nostrils, and her personality wakes up everything inside of me. She is truly a breath of fresh air, and I'm so disappointed in myself to lose the only woman that I can honestly say that I ever TRULY loved.