I'm tired of black men...but then again I'm not

Kashay - Back to AZ

I can hardly look at Justin before I turn and walk out the door and out of his life for good. I knew I should've never come here. The pain I feel right now is unlike any pain I have ever felt. Tears are pouring out of my eyes, uncontrollably and I just let them because what other choice do I have? My heart is BROKEN!

I called for an Uber and booked the next one-way flight out of this Hell hole.

Thanks to the Seventy-five grand in my savings account that I've been saving from the money Justin has been adding in there, it was nothing for me to book a flight at the last minute.

This NIGGA, I mean white man or should I say nigger (ignorant person), dared to convince me his kiss was an accident and meant nothing to him. He must think I am a complete dummy. Like I didn't notice them flirting at the table at lunch. Or the eye contact and mildish grins they were giving to one another.

Shit, I was there for the WHOLE damn rodeo and couldn't wait to get off!

I was trying to ignore it, but I saw the chemistry they had amongst one another, and it made me sick to my stomach. That's probably what made me want to take a nap. My head was spinning, and I felt nauseous watching the two of them. And his raggedy mother wasn't any help with her ad-libs and pretty much being a matchmaker right in front of me. I wanted to stab her!

I felt like a DAMN fool sitting there and enduring it.

Shit, I know what you all are thinking - if I were you, I would've beat both their asses along with Mommy Dearest! And I hear you all, trust and believe, I do. I am from South Phoenix, so a pussy is only what I have, not what I am. But at the moment, I realized this is where he was supposed to be, all along, and not with my black ass, which is why I didn't put up a fight. In all honesty, I was never supposed to be with him and should've left a long time ago.

Yes, he gave me the world on a platter, but at the same time, we were from two different worlds, and that's something that will never change.

I arrive home, and it feels foreign to me. I feel like I haven't stepped foot in my apartment in months, which in return feels like years for some reason.

I leave my bags at the door and head directly for the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine. We always used to stay stocked up on it, and to the looks of it, Shanty has kept up with our tradition without me.

Before I can even put the glass to my lips to take a sip, Shanty walks out of her room and looks at me like I'm Casper's sister here drinking up all her wine.

"Kashay, what happened?" is the first thing to come out of her mouth as she looks at me, concerned but angry at the same DAMN time.

I haven't spoken a word to her, and she can already sense something's wrong. She knows me so well; it's ridiculous.

I don't know if it's because I am in her presence or what it is, but I find myself crying again within seconds. And not just any Ol' cry but that ugly ass cry, the one where your voice sounds like it has been chopped and screwed, but the version no one wants to hear. Yeah, that kind of cry.

I was trying my hardest not to cry again, but it all came crumbling down once I laid eyes on Shanty. Her voice streamed through my ears like a symphony, and just like a waterfall, my tears came pouring down.

Shanty quickly runs over to me and embraces me, holding me tight. And I don't do anything but take in her comfort because I need it more than she knows. I've been lost without her. I've slightly neglected our friendship for a guy that neglected me—the irony.

After a couple of minutes of standing in silence, she slowly walks me over to our couch that I've missed so much! I didn't realize how much I have missed this place and her, which makes me cry even more. It just feels like home, which I've been longing for, for so long.