I'm tired of black men...but then again I'm not

Day 4... Our first encounter

I wake up with a massive headache. I was so depressed last night after turning down the date with Justin that I went home, turned on Netflix, and watched every love story as I drunk two bottles of wine.

I'm a mess!

Part of me is glad I canceled it but then a part of me isn't, which I'm scared to admit. I came up with the conclusion that Black and White people cannot date, end of story!

It's too much bad history between the two which makes it weird when they date. The grim past will always come up, and I'm not sure if I'm ready to deal with that when it comes to Justin.

I don't want us bickering over racial issues, but I know it will come up because it always does.

Especially since we live it every day. Every time a black man is shot and killed by a cop, I'm reminded. Discrimination at work, restaurant, or at a store, I'm reminded! So, how am I supposed to bring these issues to my white boyfriend, who is on the opposing team?

I can't!

Even though I find him very attractive, and he makes me smile ear to ear and laugh until I can't breathe, I still can't bring myself to do it.

How do black men date white women so effortlessly without hesitation?

Why do they not consider all these things?

As black women, why do we always try to keep us together, but they don't?

Being a black woman in America can be frustrating at times.

All these thoughts are cluttering my mind.

Dating Justin is just out of the question. I scroll through my phone and delete his number and his text messages and block him. I'm sure I'm doing the right thing... I think.

Ugh, if it's the right thing, why does it feel so wrong?

Once I go on my date with Montí tomorrow, I'll forget all about him. Pushing people away, men especially, is my forte, and I don't plan to cease it with Justin?

I need him gone from my life and my memory. I need him to disappear like the sun at nightfall. I no longer want to long for his dangerous cocky dimpled smile.

I head into work, but it feels different than any other day. I can't help but search for Justin and wish he will just show up and tell me I'm making a huge mistake, but he doesn't, and my night is slow and uninteresting.

It's five minutes till closing when a tall figure strides in while I'm gazing down at my fingernails. Bored out of my fucking mind!

"We're closing," I say, without peering in their direction.

"When has that ever stopped me?" The tall figure treads closer. Which makes me glance up.

"Justin?... what in the world are you doing here?" I stammer over my words.

I guess my prayers were answered. Thank you God, I think? LOL

"Your ass blocked me! Damn, you're so fucking stubborn." Justin affirms, smiling.

Then continues with, "so you really thought blocking me would stop me? Like I'll give up that easy and let you run out of my life? Not a fucking chance!" His accent comes out more potent than usual, and I'm about to come undone.

I'm silent, so fucking speechless!

I cannot remember any of the black guys I've dated sweating me this damn hard. He must really like me, but I'm still unsure of his intent.