Felt and Fell

Ten

Aditya

I cannot be like this. We all were sitting by a teastall. My eyes knew where they wanted to be. She blowed air on the hot cup and took as sip. The chai was definitely good, too good or Maybe we're just tired but I could see that little smile as she continued to drink and talk to people.

I can not be like this, I know I am emotionally incapable of being just her friend. Maybe not friends yet but we talk, we definitely do. I love every moment of our time together.

Abeer is an idiot,he doesn't know how my lungs literally start flapping when she smiles when I look at her, how can I be just her friend?  I'd rather not know her at all after this trip than to receive a wedding card with her name on it. I cannot be her 'just' friend. I want to be more than that....

I want to be Sahir. I still have a guilt inside me, if only I'd have paid attention to her in school. Zoya would have been with me....with me. Not with that....ugh! I want too call him an asshole but she loves him. He must be a good man.

She's smart enough to know what she wants and deserves.
I don't have a chance.
At all.

From the chai ki tapri to back to the resort. I was so engrossed in thinking that I didn't even know when did I get under the shower.

"I... really like her.." I hear a sound as the hog water flowed down my body, easily the tension in my muscles.

I looked around, did I walk into someone using the shower?
No, I obviously am alone here.
Then I realised, it was me.
I said that I like her. My words don't listen to me anymore.

Enough is enough. I cannot do this.

I rubbed the shampoo in my head. I seriously was trying to calm myself down using a shampoo.
I am an idiot.

How many times have I called myself that since we've come here? It seems like I say it every two minutes since I've seen her.

Since I've seen her, I walk like an idiot, talk like an idiot....when she's around, I feel like an idiot. I walked out of the shower, wore my shorts and went to the balcony as Rajat went in after me.

It had started drizzling. I unconsciously take in a  deep breath of the breeze. The smell of the rains, ironically soothed me today. It generally doesn't happen with me, I am not particularly fond of rains but I guess, if something helps with your headache, you should take it in..... except for drugs....and beautiful, smart, funny and witty ...and perfectly perfect women who aren't single.

"She is so pretty." I sighed looking at her. Zoya was laughing and talking to Dhara, I could see them because of the open doors and windows as their room was on the turning side of the corridor. 
Her laugh is so pretty.

I stood there, looking at her like that for one last time. Yes, for the last time.
I need to have my head in control and move on before she envelopes my mind and soul..Before I get obsessed with that smile... before it's too late...before I fall for her.

I needed to distract myself, this was the beginning of backing off. If I really wanted to not give her the power she had started to hold on me, I had to go back inside.

Take the first baby step Aditya  my mind was so loud that I could hear myself.

Just, one more moment my eyes. . . love her.

I apologised to my heart and my eyes..and forced myself back into the room, shutting the door.

~~

"Hey! You weren't there for dinner yesterday." Zoya waved at me as I sat beside Abeer the next morning for breakfast on the tables under those trees.

She was drinking some juice. I can't be the only one who thinks that she looks absolutely adorable in pink... She looks so cute in that sundress. Her fingers covered the glass as she held it in her hand as if she was feeling every part of the water condensed around it.

"Yeah...I didn't realise when I slept."

"Oh!...you must be tired." She looked at me with concern.

No, that wasn't concern. It was just my desire lying deep inside me that was trying to believe that she cared. Cared in a way that was different from others.

"Not really....just...my head ached." I told with a slight shrug. Her hand reached near mine but thankfully she didn't touch. Because if our hands would've touched, I'd have held hers. All my self control speeches from last night would have vanish in thin air.

But....I want her to hold my hand.

"Does it still hurt?" She asked.

Don't do this to me Zoya, I'm weak for you already...so much so that her simple kindness feels special, as if it's just for me.

"No, I'm fine." I replied..."thanks" I mumbled but I'm sure she didn't hear me.
She smiled softly, tightening her lips and said..."glad."

Her fingers are...so beautiful.

God! Why can't I stop myself??? There's no way I can get my mind over her if I think about how pretty even her hands are, as she withdrew her hand back to the glass.

"I've....got something to do..." I excused myself and walked out of the restaurant. I didn't turn to check but I hope she didn't see me dashing out of there.

~~

I was casually erranding in the near woods while everyone sat beside the bonfire after our trip to the market. One thing that kept me here more that anything else was such easy access to forests. I've always loved forests. I lived with my grandparents in Bengal, up until I was around 15-16 years old. My mother is bengali and living with my deeda and dadu made me grow up being close to forests.
I reminds me of them...trees were my first bestfriends.

"No....I don't want to meet." I heard a voice. Zoya's voice.
"I...said....No."
"It's fine....I don't think it's of any use.....No... Please...Sahir... can't you just."

She was talking to Sahir.
Were they fighting?

"I can't come to San Francisco...No..." Her voice softened and she started to walk away...back towards the bonfire.

Aditya bit back his urge to follow and went to the other direction.

Sahir wanted her to go to San Francisco, go to him so that they could spend time together. Though she denied to go for whatever reasons, but I was sure that she missed him too.

She loved him.

That wasn't just a thought, this was reality. Never did I knew of this feeling. Like a dagger in my ribcage.

I felt sick.
I want to see her smile.

No... Aditya! Stop!

Stick to your decision. I reminded myself, plugged in my earphones and continued to wander around.

She's happy and that's all that matters.

~~~

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