Felt and Fell

Twelve

Aditya

I can't believe it… did we just… by the time my brain came back to senses and I got rid of the giddy feeling that her touch gave me I realised one thing for sure...

I am an asshole.

Her eyes opened as she looked at me with shock....no no no no.... Please don't..... tears brimmed her soft eyes.

Something a man would hate after a kiss is to see the girl in tears. My hands backed off from her waist and returned to me.

"Zoyaa..." My voice came out too soft, so feeble that the last syllable vanish in air. Before I could feel or say, or do anything. She got up briskly, her composure so agitated that it worried me. She ran away, towards the stairs that lead to the floor we had our rooms on.

"Zoya....Listen..." I followed her but she didn't listen to me at all.

I easily caught up wit her but something inside me didn't let me stop her my holding her arm.

Asshole asshole... fucking asshole....

I cannot believe I kissed her....I initiated it, after trying all day to stop my mind from being captivated by her....I ....kissed her.

Goddamnit!

Was I fucking out of my mind?

"Zoya..." Only I know the strength it took to stop myself from banging the door of her room that she just entered and shut it behind her.

"Go....." I heared her say something, finally...but not that word....I can't go...I don't want to.... She's still  crying...."please."

I understand her....she must be feeling so terrible of herself for...... cheating on him....with me....

"Zoya....you know we can talk... right? I'm sorry.....I didn't mean it....." She isn't replying. For god's sake Zoya say something, this feeling is killing me. "I swear I didn't do it on purpose.... I'm sorry.....Zoya..."

"Can you please fucking leave me alone...." Her voice was breathy, probably because of I had her overwhelmed her.... in the most negative way possible..."for god's sake... Please." She mumbled soft enough but audible.

She has asked me to leave four times now....maybe she doesn't want to talk to me right now....maybe talking to Sahir will make her feel better.... because ofcourse...she loves someone and she needs to give time to the people who are important to hsr. How will she able to talk to him while an asshole keeps bugging her?

"I'm.... going....sorry..." I breathed those words before leaving the floor.

I cannot go to my bed right now. I won't be able to sleep

...not after having the best kiss...es of my life...

....not after making the most beautiful woman in my life cry.....

.....I AM AN ASSHOLE...now that I am at it... it's ridiculously shameless of me to admit that yes I hate the fact the she's probably going to talk to Sahir to feel better....

She needs someone to help her with her emotions after I kissed her...... I don't know how to tell how bad it hurts.

I saw the sun rise in front of me today. I was ridiculously sleepless and though my head ached I didn't feel sleepy at all. I went into the shower and trust me here...I don't usually take this long in showers.

But no!
I couldn't be taking so much time, I need to talk to her.
As I grabbed my towel to come out of the bathroom I realised that I had no idea of what was I actually going to say.

It hurts...but I cannot admit that I absolutely loved every millisecond of that....mistake. I'd be an asshole and a pervert... This is not the kind of two in one women like.

But guess what? Problem solved!

Dhara told taht Zoya's still asleep and she refused to return to Mumbai today with us. Apparantly, she requested for a longer leave and .... Since no matter of this universe feels even the slightest sympathy with me....her leave was granted.

So yeah! No Zoya...No conversation.... So no need to worry about how to apologise.

Fuck my life.

And I cannot afford to get an extension to my leave. I need to fly tommorow.

Fuck my life harder.

I tried to look for her but we were getting late. Shawn had appointments and so did Tanya the other day.

Oh God! Please... I need just one conversation! Though I have absolutely no idea of how am I going to use that but....Just once... Please.

Now I know why Didima always wanted me to be a good man. Since, I can see clearly that God doesn't listen to those who sin.
Those who have the perverted audacity to kiss a girl without her consent.
I couldn't see her....I tried to search but we were getting late.
I did thought of getting her number from Dhara but the way she didn't say a word to me..not even looked in my direction, I figured out that Zoya must've told her about last night....I mean...why wouldn't she?

She was crying....I Just cannot take that image out of my head. I didn't think that I'd be able to sleep but since I am a ass-fucking-hole I am unashamedly glad that I could sleep through the ride while shawn did the driving.

I don't like it when others drive my cars but I guess it was survival measures as I am not in the state of thinking straight forget driving.

I need to fly tommorow....okay no...Today.... infact the next hour....right! Fine... It's been a week since I've returned...and I have no fucking idea of how time ..and systems and space and shit works.

'Plan's still on?' Tanya's text read on my screen.

'wont make it. Sry.'
'some other day.' I replied, she's throwing a party at her house and I seriously have no mood to go.

I got Zoya's number from Abeer but God knows what a gutsy man I am....I didn't text her even once.
Because in my humble opinion, if she's going to take me for a jackass then I shall support her accusations with facts....like a true gentleman.

Sahir must be back to India.
Zoya's probably happy to confess...and I'm sure he's an understanding man who'll not leave her at all but for sure he's going to come after me. I'm not going to hide but I'm just mentally prepared that I may have to have a heated encounter with him because why not?....why will he not come after me in order to protect a girl like her....a girl like Zoya.

A.Girl.Like.Zoya..... It may sound a bit obsessive but I can't get that woman out of my head. A 28 year old grown up has a school boy crush on a girl like Zoya.

The last memory of her that I have is ..her crying and it fucking sucks.

Should I text her Afterall?....I need to talk to her...even if it's for the last time then ... I'd have a better image of her in my mind....an angry one? Maybe?
Better than tears anyway.

I took my mug of coffee and went to my terrace when I recieved Abeer's call.

'I don't wanna talk rn...' I texted in reply.

'just a min.'

'for wht?'

'yntkt.'

'words...pls' I rolled my eyes and he called again.

"What?"

"Dude, Listen...I know everything and there's something you need to know......"

And what he said almost resulted in my mug slipping out of my hand.... though I wouldn't have cared any little but I'm still thankful it didn't fall.

~~~

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