always & forever

9~desire to be paper thin

TW- ED
In the beginning of April I started counting my calories, compulsive exercising, and obsessively weighing myself all over again. It becomes an addiction. If I ever missed logging my calories or exercising, I had extreme anxiety. I stopped hanging out with my friends so I would not have to miss an exercise routine or be forced to eat more. My life completely revolved around my weight and food. I even would not text or call Alan for hours because I was busy exercising or obsessing over my body. 

A couple months before I had started seeing a gastro doctor for belching and spitting up. We figured I just had stomach issues, but as my weight kept decreasing and procedure after procedure came back normal, Dr. Cruz knew it was my eating disorder.

Every time I would eat or drink, I would belch, regurgitate, and sometimes vomit. As time went by and my anxiety increased, and the vomiting got severe. This was all because my anxiety of food. I had caused all these issues inside my body to be in a body I could never out run.

As I continued my rituals into May, I got very ill and sick. My body was not functioning or working properly. This is where inpatient treatment was brought up. I hated the idea of having to live in a hospital, I really did not want to get help yet.

  When I told Alan that I am Anorexic, he did not seem too surprised. He comforted me and told me he was here for me and he loved me. I always wonder if he still feels that way today. Alan could not seem to grasp the fact that I was going to have to go away with no phone or family. He acted as it was not a big deal. I figured he was just being strong for me. My eating disorder would not let Alan be there for me. I would not listen to a soul and just kept getting sicker and sicker. The world became so small and closed in.

I became very resentful to recover. I had never seen my dad cry until he told me I had to be healthy. My dad was losing his little girl. Even after my dad and mom would cry to me, I would still go selfishly exercise in my room until I could not take it anymore.

At the end of May, my eating disorder decided it would be best to take a break from Alan. I still loved and cared about him, but he was getting in the way to my path of death. I was leaving for treatment on the 25th of June too.

Alan cried to me a lot of nights, but I tried to stay strong for him. This break up was super tuff on the both of us. I appeared to be doing just fine, but I really was struggling.

As time went by and I was improving, I started regretting my decision more and more. I still loved Alan dearly. He seemed to have moved on and was doing fine. I realized my eating disorder made me end things with Alan. It was what ED wanted as my therapist said, not what Charlotte wanted.
548 words
deeeeeeep.