At first the word "friend" meant so little to me, but the one exposed me to the meaning of such a relationship was Nino. The best of a friend I could ask for. I can confide in him often and he takes upon it himself to make sure I'm having the best day possible. Whenever I feel reluctant to step in to the social world (when needed) he will be there for me as a pillar of support. He's goofy, fun, and adventurous, but also serious when it comes to his emotions. Sometimes he's a little too emotional and fails to use his rationale. I have no explanation for such, but as I process his many firing signals I try my best to comfort him. I'm jealous that he is able to express his emotions, even if they overrun him. For me I unintentionally keep it all inside, that is until it explodes.. I want to be better than my father. I don't ever want to make the mistakes he has. To hurt someone like he he does. Like he has hurt me. Unlike my father, I know deep down that if it all comes crashing down I might be able to rely on my closest of friends. Never thought I'd pity him.
Sometimes I feel like a fraud even in front of Nino, Alya, and Marinette. How much is truly a part of me and how much is the "training" I was put through to appear perfect? I can no longer draw the line. I wish my eyes didn't fail me so. I should tuck in for the night. I don't know how I still manage to write in this book when my schedule is so packed. It's not that I get to control my own time, though. I don't think my father knows what free will is.
Maybe one day this journal will be discovered by someone I trust. After I'm gone. Not dead, but maybe just away from here. That's an option that would be much easier than to confront and reveal the monster within me. Maybe someday in the future someone might find this book, not that I'd want them to invade my privacy, but at the same time it would mean someone knows the truth for once.
Maybe this is a cry for help and maybe not. Just a wish from a lonely boy in this godforsaken house. I wonder what bugaboo's thinking right about now.
What are her wishes? I want her to know mine. I don't know what I want other than escape. Time is something they say brings change. I can only hope it's true. I'll wait here, like I do every day and stare up at the ceiling with heavy eyes, sometimes tear-filled. Other times... Empty. Overflowing with emotion. Unable to cry. Angry. Frustrated. And the many words I'd like to learn that might describe what is within me. Maybe one day I can sleep to stars rather than prison walls.
YOU ARE READING
Farce
Fanfiction[TW- Abuse and Suicidal ideation] He threatens, "I put you in this world and I can take you out of it". Why even put on this earth when all I have ever been gifted is pain? Sometimes, I wish he would take me out of it.. I was doomed from the start;...
