Farce

Kagami

      I wonder when I look at you, a person so fierce and strong, why you resemble her so? I've learned by now that I can no longer fool myself into thinking I'm ready for another relationship, not until I can let go of my lady. You are strong headed and stubborn, someone whom experiences similar abuses of power placed upon them by parental figures, but chooses to react differently than I.
           We shared a common interest of fencing and I admired her competitiveness and merciless gaze as she struck down an opponent, and yet at the end of the day when it came to it she swallows her pride and shows good sportsmanship. We both knew we have many flaws, but that day when I held out a rose to her, I saw that she was someone whom I might be able to trust with my heart.
            Our relationship did not last long, however it taught me much about love. I shouldn't have used her as a placeholder. I was unfair to her, while being blind of how much I was taking advantage of her feelings. It was subtle at first, but I refused to believe that she could be anything less than the friend I knew before. Little grievances were whispered here and there, until suddenly I was only allowed to hang around her, and only her. I had liked the space we had separate of our parents, it felt joyous and romantic, until I realized that was only a despicable ploy. We were both fully masked, unable to let each other in. When we spent time together it became suffocating. She would force upon me expectations I didn't even have of myself. She loved the image of me more than who I really am. From the constant pressures of being what she wanted, the fear of being rejected for being my true self tore me apart. In the end, while it hurt, I'm glad we ended it. I hold many regrets.. I'm glad we have more space in between each other. Sometimes there's a little voice in my head latching on to the bond I could've sworn we had, but never existed. I want to stay with her, to be in her presence, but against my hearts wishes I must choose myself first, a step I might be taking for the first time in my life.