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Episode No. 15: JOrDeN BAiLy

"What are you doing here?" I said. "Why are you here Jordan?" I asked.

Jordan looked at me and took a deep breath. "You wanna know why I'm here Lora?" He started. "Because my sister thinks I'm a sociopath incapable of feeling any emotion. And even though she's right to a certain extent she too, is completely off. She said I wasn't aware of my short comings, that was a lie. I know how emotionally stunted I am. I'm well aware of how shitty of a person I am. But I am not a monster, that's where you took it to far, Lora. I feel empathy just like everyone else. I've felt sorrow and sadness and when I look within myself to see that horrible thing I carry, the extension of who I am as you put it. I don't find joy in it. As much as it would be easy to write me off as evil, no worse than as evil, worse than our parents, that's how you put it? Right, like I was worse than them. Because I reveled as the golden boy of the Bailey House hold?" He said looking hurt.

"Jordan-I," My voice came out quietly. I took a deep breath and gathered my thoughts together. "Why can't you just leave me alone? I've moved on from this, I'm trying to be happy for the first time in my life," I said.

"Can you just listen-" I cut him off, "No, I told you I'm done. How can you expect me to believe your not a sociopath when you're completely ignoring how I'm feeling right now," I yelled.

"As easy as it would be for you, for us. To just believe that and part our separate ways it wouldn't be the full truth. That terrible thing I have inside keeps me up at night wondering why I can't connect with other people. I live in a world where I can't process-no understand my own emotions because of what they did to me. How they raised me, just like you, I am a product of my surroundings. What I ignored struggling to live up to their expectations was how hard it was for you. How I contributed in making you feel the way you did. How I enabled, not just our parents but people I allowed in our house to treat you the way they did because it was easier than having to give a shit. Listening to my friends talk down about my sister was easier then stopping them," He said.

"I'm sorry," He said.

"You think you apology is enough for a life time of trauma?" I asked gripping my door.

"I never said it was but it's a start," He said.

I scoffed. "Jordan, what exactly do you hope to accomplish here?" I asked. "A better relationship with my sister and a better understanding on how I can fix this," He said. "Fix what? How you are?" I asked.

Jordan looked downward and took a deep breath.

"Back in Miami, I dated this girl. I didn't like her, I didn't like being around her and we had nothing in common. The only thing I liked was that she was a little shy. I liked nothing else about her, but she checked all the boxes. She was educated, educated enough for mom to be proud. And she was hot, hot enough for high fives and pats on the the back by my coworkers. Hot enough so when I brought her home dad would shake my hand and give me his seal of approval.

But she wasn't like me. Like I said we were complete opposites. She saw right through me. She saw how shallow I was, she called me out on it. She ended up breaking up with me but not without giving me a piece of her mind. Thats the first I heard the word, sociopath. I gotta tell you it fucking sucked to hear once I had googled what it ment. I thought about it and got scared that I might actually be one. I called her to try and- I don't know why I called her but I did. I asked her to elaborate on what she ment, I asked her to point out where she saw it and she laughed. She laughed in my face.

Lora, I-I think it may be true? To a certain extent? Do you know what she said? She asked me how I couldn't see it. Even then on our phone call I had broken her heart and I was more concerned about her calling me a name. Calling her up while she was trying to get over a break up with my own selfish concerns. That I couldn't even give her the decency of leaving her alone.

Im not a monster. I don't want to be. I want to get better but sometimes I think its too late. I realized what I was doing in Miami, finding the right girl for everyone else to keep up appearances. That's what mom and dad did. I was replicating the same system that got us here. I was gonna be just like them," He said.

"I don't want that, Christ I don't want that," He said.

He seemed sincere. "I want to be a whole human being. A better person, a better brother," He said.

"So I quit my job," He said.

"What?" I said. "Let me stay with you," He said.

He didn't quit.

"You got fired," I said.

"You were never going to get that promotion," I said. "Lora, that's not why I'm here," He said. "I asked mom specifically to invite you so I could talk to you about this. I hated Miami, I just realized it but I do. Everything about my life down there reminds me how empty I am," He added.

"I promise I won't stay for long, I'll get a job as soon as possible and move out," He said.

I closed my eyes in silence as the need to put his well being over my own took over my body like a reflex. Sometimes it felt like it was a reflex. Emotional labour happened to be my greatest strength

"Two weeks Jordan. And I want you to leave me alone," I scolded. His mouth pressed into a thin line as he slowly nodded. "I fucking mean it, I want you to leave me the hell alone," I said.

Jordan's face did not change. 

I stepped aside to let him in. So help me god he will not be on my couch in Two weeks.