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Episode 1: All BaD MEn

My fear of men began at a very young age.

It started when my brother used to pretend to drown me, only he wasn't pretending because he actually did hold my neck down into the pool water forcefully until my mother stopped him.

My brother always did have a violent streak. from kicking my ribs to tearing apart my dresser. My brother had always been like this, since the time we were little. Since i've ever known him.

My mother would play it off as "boys will be boys"

She thought that was a sufficient enough reason as to why he behaved to terribly. I got used to him, used to being afraid. He wasn't the only one to scare me. my father was just as bad. a stoic man with no unidentifiable emotion. he didn't even really acknowledge me either. I wasn't really worth much, at least in his eyes.

Even my mother stood on thin lines around him. as if she didn't want to disappoint.

Disappointment.

Thats what father had lingering in his eyes.

I feared them both. I learned men could be monsters, that all men could be monsters.

-

my fear of men followed me through out my life. i was a very timid girl, shy. i had two friends, one of which was a man, a gay one, a safe one. i barely spoke to anyone else in my life. i lived alone, in a spacious new york apartment. i had even graduated top of my class in graduates school at NYU. i spent all my time in college focusing on school.

not that that was a bad thing. i even landed a job, a really good one too. i interned five years in a row at a small hedge fund named stinefield. although it was a team of only seven their total profits are higher than some hedge funds who had been doing this for much longer. it was me and another guy named steven who had been hired. one guy was stepping down from his position at stinefield so he could retire, he was retiring at thirty three. profits were ridiculous last year. so now it was a team of eight.

i was the only girl

the only person of color

well, there was another guy, im pretty sure he was a quarter japanese.

but i was the only black female in this hedge fund office on wall street. i did not belong here. most of my coworkers were young, me? i was the youngest. i was twenty-six. most of them were in the early to mid thirties. at first they thought i was the new office assistant.

its not like i hadn't worked beside them every summer for five years. but that didn't matter

because all men are bad

if their not attracted to you then there's no reason for you to exist. your a waste of space in their eye sight, you have no purpose. if they are attracted to you that doesn't mean they respect you, do not be delusional. it only means you become a walking hole. you have value in the way they wanna use you.

all men are bad

-

"have you lost weight?"

sweat starts to build on my brow. i hear a chuckle.
"no im serious, you look like you've lost weight," he says again

mathew bomber, analyst. complete asshole. the exact type of man you'd expect to be here. rich, white, had his entire life and career bought. entitled, misogynistic, ignorant.

he made me sick, my stomach churned every time he spoke to me. "you ignoring me sweetheart? i just gave you a fucking compliment" he said. "i-i recently got a p-personal trainer," i stuttered quietly. "why? you think weight loss is gonna help? why do women think being skinny is gonna fix everything? let me tell you something, if you wanna be more attractive you should start dressing like it. your the only girl in the office, its not fair how covered up you always are. start showing some cleavage and trust me, people will think your attractive," he finished.