And The Sun Will Rise (ExR Fanfic)

Chapter 12

Songs for this chapter:
Troye Sivan- Lost Boy
Luke Sital-Singh- You Always Hurt the One You Love

Content warning: references to alcohol abuse and depression

Enjolras woke in the small hours of the morning, just as it was starting to get light. His head was still on Grantaire's chest, and the steady drumming of the other's heartbeat made Enjolras want to forget that a world existed outside of this room. It would be so easy to just stay here and cuddle up to Grantaire until his presence erased all of Enjolras's worries. But he knew deep down that he couldn't. Sometime last night, while he'd been lying awake and staring holes in the ceiling, he'd already made the decision to leave. It wasn't because he didn't love Grantaire-he did, with an intensity that made him dizzy- but because he loved him too much. He knew that if he stayed, he would eventually ruin everything they had, so wasn't it better to slip away now, quietly, when all that had happened between them was a few kisses? It'd be just like tearing off a plaster: the faster you did it, the less it hurt.

And yet, it did hurt, as he sat up in bed and gently detached himself from the embrace Grantaire had wrapped him in. For a moment, he hoped the other man would wake and stop him from leaving, but Grantaire simply sighed and rolled over, still fast asleep. Enjolras got dressed as quietly as he could, slipping yesterday's slightly damp jeans back on with a shiver. He was just about to take off Grantaire's sweater, which he was still wearing, but then decided to keep it. If he never got to see Grantaire again after this, he at least wanted to hold onto this last little piece of him. When Enjolras was done, his first instinct was to creep out the door immediately, before he could change his mind. But then, he thought of Grantaire waking up to find him gone, without any kind of explanation, and he just couldn't do it. He had to at least try and make him understand why he'd had to leave.

On the bedside table, he found a notepad and pencil, which made him smile for a moment, thinking about Grantaire keeping it there in case inspiration struck him in the night. It felt almost sacrilegious, but he tore off a page anyway, holding his breath because the ripping paper seemed so loud in the silence. Yet Grantaire didn't so much as stir while Enjolras sat down at the scratched wooden table on the other side of the room and began writing down all the things he wanted to say to him, but couldn't express verbally. The words came slowly, in fits and starts, almost as if they didn't want to be written down and the ones that did come seemed hopelessly inadequate. But eventually, he managed to cobble together a sort of letter:

R,

I'm sorry for leaving like a coward, without even saying goodbye. But I suppose, deep down, I am a coward, and I know I wouldn't be able to get any of this out if I had to say it to your face. First of all, I want you to know that this is not because of anything you did. You were perfect. Last night was perfect and I'm honoured that you trusted me enough to tell me about your past. But some of what you shared with me was just too much for me to handle. I know how selfish that makes me sound, but I'm just not sure I can help you with the things you need to figure out right now. I'm not sure I can be who you need me to be. 

The truth is, R, I'm not half as strong as I pretend to be, and I am terrified of what would happen if I stayed. Terrified of losing you to your demons, but more than that, terrified of you waking up one day and realising you made the wrong decision in choosing to be with me. If we're absolutely honest with ourselves, it was always going to end like this. I was always going to mess it up, so in a way, I'm sparing us both much bigger pain by ending it now, before we do things we can't take back.

Still, I know my leaving is going to hurt you and believe me, I hate myself for adding to your pain. You, more than anyone, deserve happiness and I hope you find someone who can give you that, who can love you better than I ever could have done. I also hope that one day, you can forgive me and that we can recover from this, because quite frankly, I can't imagine a life in which we never talk to each other again. But I'd also understand if you just want to erase me from your life and forget I ever existed. Again, I am so sorry about everything.