Sanders Sides AU August

A Friend in Need

AU: College AU

TW: Self-Deprecation and Isolation 

WC: 1279

Date: 8/11/2021

Logan looked down at his phone, it was mocking him. Everything had to be scheduled down to the minute. He knew it took him 8 minutes to walk from his dorm to his first class on Mondays and Wednesdays, and 13 minutes for his Tuesday and Thursday classes. He had Friday off to hang out with friends since companionship could be an important part of his mental health. He knew exactly how much time he had to study, and he always gave himself some buffer time for teachers being inconsistent with release times.

What Logan didn't plan for, was his friends canceling on him.

The first time it happened, Logan had been able to easily adjust, he had felt behind on a project anyway, but now his friends had canceled again, and he had really been banking on this outing. He knew he shouldn't rely so completely on other people for him to moderate his mood but this was the third time his friends had canceled on him for something else. He tried to rationalize it, that it was normal for friends to get busy.

But Logan had had a bad week. He had lost his presentation notes, had gotten stuck behind a few people who were slow, making him late to his second class on Tuesday; Wednesday and Thursday he had been sick, and he was finally feeling better. He was hoping to see his friends, to go back to a sense of normalcy, but they had canceled.

Roman had apparently gotten a callback and needed to practice, Patton was helping him, and without the two most sociable people in the group joining them, everything fell apart. Logan wanted to try to fight it, try to get his friends to hang out with him but his finger hovered over the keyboard, refusing to type anything. He knew that his brain was magnifying the problem, he knew that logically his friends didn't hate him, but the voice in the back of his head was so loud. He could think of 100 instances where he overstepped common courtesy, where he was too loud, too excited, too much.

He bounced his leg, sitting on the floor up against his bed. It shook the whole structure, but he didn't have a roommate who would complain about the motion. Having a solo room was always a blessing when he got like this. Logan didn't want anyone else to see him like this, if they did, they would feel obligated to help, and Logan didn't want to be an obligation. That's why he couldn't message his friends. He didn't want them to feel obligated.

It wasn't their job to care about his emotions. It wasn't their job to look out for his needs or worry about him when he was feeling down. He was independent. He didn't need to hang out with his friends, it was just a luxury he allowed himself.

Even Logan knew that was a lie. He was lonely, but that was his problem, not anyone else's.

Logan's breath came out in a slow stuttered motion as he turned off his phone. It was fine. Everything was fine.

He was going to get more of his work done, maybe work on a few projects, something he could control. He would be productive. It didn't matter that the plans had changed without notice, he could adapt.

Logan stood, and though he knew he wasn't, he felt like his whole body was shaking, every nerve felt tight and strained. He should try to take a hot shower tonight, if he remembered. A few deep breaths and everything would be okay; he just needed to steady himself.

The rest of his day was spent working on his semester project, or studying, or doing anything to keep his mind off the change in his schedule. He pushed his phone under his bed, hoping that hiding it would keep him from wanting to find distractions, hoping that ignoring it would make the longing and the loneliness fade away.

Over the rest of the weekend, Logan spiraled. He barely left his room and that was only to use the restroom down the hall. He didn't turn his phone back on, his mind telling him that no one would bother checking on him. He didn't bother going down to the dining hall, instead eating the snacks he had in his room for just this purpose. The further he pushed himself into a shell, the more he believed he wasn't wanted or needed.

It didn't matter, these were just college friends, they would leave him behind in a few years anyway. There was no need to worry if the process was a bit sped up.

There was a knock on his door, and Logan picked up the few pieces of himself he could. The ever-present need to cry was pushed even further into his heart as he stood tall, walking to the door to open it.

"Hello?"

Janus stood there, a look of frustration etched deeply into the lines of his face.

"It's good to see you are alive, you haven't been answering anyone's texts."

"I turned my phone off."

"And that's not concerning at all."

Logan wasn't sure how to respond so he just opened his door, allowing Janus to take a step in.

"Your trash bin is full of wrappers. When was the last time you had a decent meal?"

For a few moments Logan stopped to think about it, but he knew when it was. "I had been making sure to eat the calories my body needs."

"That is not what I asked, and the fact that you are avoiding the question tells me everything I need to know. Come on, we are going to the dining hall."

"Wha, I... Janus, I have other things I need to do."

"No, not right now. You normally stick to a very strict schedule and right now, it is dinner time."

"You know my schedule?" Logan asked, brow furrowed in confusion.

"Not all of it, but I can pick up on habits Logan, come on, we need to get you back into your habits, specifically the healthy ones."

Logan hesitated but nodded. He wanted to ask about Friday, wanted to know why Janus hadn't tried to reach out if he knew Logan's habits. Then again, it wasn't Janus' responsibility.

"I'm not great company as of right now."

"You are my friend, it doesn't matter what mood you are in. If I can emotionally handle it, I want to be in your company, for the good, and the bad."

Logan began to cry a bit, just at the threshold of his door. "You don't mean that."

And Janus turned around, looking Logan in the eye before letting out a sigh, and letting his shoulders drop. "I do, you are worthy of love Logan, and if I have to have Remus beat it into you I will." His hand hovered over Logan's shoulder. "May I touch you?"

Logan nodded, and he felt the warmth of Janus' embrace as he was pulled into a hug. "You aren't a bother, and we can't always read your mind nerd. I know it can be hard, but if things are this bad, reach out, if not to the others than to me, at least?"

Burnt out from running himself in circles, burnt out for pushing himself to be productive to ignore the pain, Logan nodded. "I... I will try."

"That's all I ask."

And he knew he would, because if Janus could continue to be there for him when he was this strung out, maybe he would stick around even when Logan wasn't calm and happy.