Loving a Dangerous Life (editing)

Chapter 41 - War

I want to die.

I've never wanted a release so badly in my life. The pain was something I was used to, but right now every cell, every tiny millimeter of my body was screaming in pain. Every broken bone, every drop of blood was amplified by one thousand as I sat in the white room. Every single thought in my mind was about escaping.

I just wanted to pain to end. I'm so tired of fighting.

Ivor had found out about his grandson.

He had noticed the bruises on my stomach, and somehow he knew. He seemed genuinely sad, but I do not believe that he cared. After he saw them he told me I was weak for not being able to keep the baby.

This was the second time that I cried here. I was tied down as the grandfather of my child told me that I would never be strong enough. Never good enough. Never enough.

The child died because it knew how weak its mother is, and it didn't want that life.

Those words had broken me in a way that I never knew any words could. I stopped fighting back because Ivor was right.

I am weak. My child would never want me.

Something truly broke in me today. That little bit of fight I had left in me was gone. All I would do now is wait for Ivor to get bored of me and then finally kill me.

I was curled up in the white room, barely holding my frail body together. An unloaded gun sat next to me. It was the gun I snagged from Zeena, hoping I could use it to kill myself, but it was empty. My friend had told me Alex would be here very soon, but I was too tired to hope.

Zenna disappeared down the hallway, and I thought I heard gunshots, but I ignored them. It was probably just my imagination.

Tomorrow was Alex's birthday. I haven't even known him for long enough to celebrate either one of our birthdays.

When the sounds didn't stop, I slowly climbed to my feet, screaming as every tiny movement sent astronomical pain through my body. Through all the broken bones and shattered joints, through all the cuts and bruises. Dizziness overtook me, my legs unable to support my weight as I leaned on the now red wall.

Suck. It. Up.

I gritted my teeth and thought of Alex.

I thought of his smile, and I thought of the way he wrapped his arms around me in the dark. I thought of his brown eyes, looking down at me with such care in them. I thought of him telling me to be strong. I thought of him smiling at me around a gun in the mall parking lot, and I thought of him always grabbing my hand whenever we climbed into the car. I thought of that song that always reminded me of him.

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts were never broken

And time's forever frozen, still.

I did this every day. I thought of Alex.

But every day when I thought of Alex, I thought of my baby. I thought of how weak I was, and how much the baby would have hated me, and I had to force myself not to cry.

I just want to end it all. This pain, this tiredness. I am exhausted, and not just physically. Dark thoughts that only got worse plagued me, stealing all my hopes and happiness.

Suddenly, footsteps came down the hallway. My heart sped up, and I slowly lifted the empty gun, my arms and broken fingers screaming at me.

How many times can fingers be stepped on until they break?