Every Rose has it's Thorn.

Chapter 15 - Numb

Meanwhile - Special Victims Unit, Aberdeen, Scotland;
Shayne Ackles...

I know that I am supposed to feel something - anger, fear, helplessness, rage, just something but all I can really feel is numb. I don't know what I am meant to be feeling but this really doesn't feel like the 'right' way. I can feel the physical pain from what Jonah had done to me. The pain between my legs is too strong, it is almost to the point where I can barely pay attention to what the female officer is asking of me.

I still can't believe Jonah did this to me. I knew that he was having a hard time letting go but I had never thought that he would take it this far. I never thought that he would hurt me like this. I never thought that we would end up here.

Had I not been clear enough?

Had I given him some sort of subliminal come-on?

No. This wasn't my fault. I have to keep reminding myself of that when my mind inevitably begins to over think it all. I had been crystal clear in my intentions, and I had told him to stop. Hell, I had practically begged him to stop. I had ignored his attempts to get in touch with me and I had never once been unclear when I had talked to him. So, no I hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't asked for this.

But why can't I feel anything other than this numb sensation coursing through me?

It's almost as if I feel hollow right down to my very core and I don't know when, or if that feeling is going to go away anytime soon. How can I combat that? God, I don't want to feel helpless but that is exactly what I feel; it isn't a feeling that I am used to feeling if I am being completely honest. I have always known who I am and lived my life the way I saw fit - if someone came at me; I, either stood toe to toe with them or walked away, depending on their worth to me. Now, well now I just feel defeated.

"-it seems like you really fought back," the female police officer commented as she gently scraped the dry blood from under my fingernails.

"I don't know about..."

"Trust me, Miss. Ackles - most women when realising that they can't get away, will just turn their heads, close their eyes and let their mind take them some place safe and don't get me wrong that isn't wrong because the number one rule when it comes to rape - you do whatever you have to, to survive," she explained as best she could and I nodded, "you got us some great evidence, you should be proud of yourself,"

I wanted to laugh at that - I mean it sounded ridiculous, be proud of myself for getting myself raped but I didn't, mainly because I knew that she was just trying to build my confidence back up and let me know that I had done all I could to ensure that Jonah would be charged with what he had done to me, "yeah, well I was never one to just lay back and let anyone do whatever they want to me!" I mumbled, I could hear how dead my tone was - almost as if I were on autopilot and that is exactly what I felt.

It's funny she mentioned other women closing their eyes and letting their mind take them someplace safe because in the aftermath, that is exactly what it felt like I was doing. My safe place - Jeremy.

I hope he was ok with the male officer. They had advised against him being in the room with me - something about cross-contamination in the gathering of my evidence. So, he was somewhere out there with a male officer, and I had to wonder what they were doing, or what they were talking about. I wanted him here. I needed him close. I felt safe with him at my side. The entire ride here, he had held my hand, even when the paramedics had cleaned up his bloody hands, he had held onto me with his free one. I don't remember much of the aftermath - I remember Jonah's hand wrapping around my throat and him leaning into my ear and whispering, "if I can't have you, no one else can have you!" And then his hand was squeezing the air out of my system, then all of a sudden it was all gone - the pressure around my throat, the crushing of his body pressing into me and the ripping pain at my core. I caught sight of Jeremy and it was almost as if my mind recognized him as my safety and I slumped, giving up the fight mode I had been in as I fell to the floor. The next thing I remember is Hailey trying to cover me up as best as she could and ordering me to drink my Jack-Daniels.