sugar〻oneshots

growing pains

Exhaustion, Sirius decides, is a horrible look on Lily Evans. Excuse him - Lily Potter. Not that it isn't on anyone (it used to make him want to cry on his Remus), but there is something so haunting about eyes that bright being so tired.

He's here, though, looking at them, and he can't quite explain what about this is so sad. Harry is napping upstairs, and Sirius has set the present he brought for him on the table, and James has his arm around Lily. The only thing different is the bags packed for the moment they're taken into hiding. He supposes that must be it.

"Where's Remus?" Lily asks, and. Well.

"He doesn't know I'm here." Sirius takes a breath, and he tries to say he's sorry through the look he gives James. "I-I have reason to... I think Remus is the spy."

At least Lily's eyes aren't tired anymore.

On the other hand, he hasn't seen someone so livid since his mother.

"What?"

"Lils. He hasn't-he won't tell me what he's doing or where he goes and-"

"He's not allowed to, you idiot! He's just listening to Dumbledore! You distrusting, stupid-"

"Lily," James says gently. But she just glares at him, and Sirius knows how wild her eyes are. James' arm drops from around her waist.

Sirius can feel his hands trembling. He feels like he could shatter. He's going to go insane. "Just think about it."

"How can you fucking say that?!" She's yelling, now. Sirius can't stop himself from flinching. "Remus isn't the one who'd betrayed his friends, Sirius. Need I remind you you're the one who's broken his trust before?" And, well, that has to be a low blow.

"You think it's me?" He pretends his voice isn't shaking.

"No, Sirius, because unlike you I trust my friends!"

And he said he'd never make someone he loved cry again, but she has tears in her eyes.

"Lily. I just-you have to consider everything! For Harry's sake!"

He thinks she could kill him then. She slams her hands on the table and stands. "Don't you fucking dare tell me how to keep my son safe." Her voice is thin. He finds himself standing too. "If we can't trust Remus Lupin we have no one. I'd sooner die than believe that."

Sirius doesn't quite know what to say to that. He settles for "He's not the same," helplessly, and that's how he feels.

Lily looks like she's going to puke. "Does he even know you think this?" He shakes his head, slowly, and he can practically hear her anger growing. "You can't even say it to his face! That's how stupid you know it is! You selfish, traumatized bitch!"

"Do you think this is easy for me?! Like I just made it up and waltzed over here to tell you? Sure, I decided to believe the love of my life would betray us after everything. No, Lily, I c-I haven't slept in days!"

They all go quiet, for a moment. "He doesn't kiss me goodbye when he leaves." His hands are shaking so bad, he has to shove them in his pockets. "He doesn't hold my hand anymore, and he doesn't say goodnight, and he doesn't talk to me. I don't think he loves me."

Lily stares at him, and her eyes aren't livid anymore. They're just tired.

"You're an idiot," she says, and she goes upstairs. Sirius wishes he could see Harry.

James thanks him for the present and promises to hug Harry for him. He pretends he's not holding Sirius' shoulders extra as he walks him to the door, but he stops Sirius and says, softly, "It's not Remus."
Sirius can't find it in him to be angry anymore.

The next time he tries to visit is Halloween, 1981.