sugar〻oneshots

conversations

sorry but Peter betrayed them bc of their disturbing 2am talks and I wanted to write one. also I just reread 7 minutes in heaven and it was so fucking bad why did y'all hype it up 😐

"What the fuck are you two talking about?"

"What?" James and Sirius blurt at the same time. Remus hears rustling of sheets and whispering before they both speak.

"No, that's-"

"What?"

"Sirius, shut up-"

"Well, I dunno what he's saying but I was just talkin' about putting your penis in a waffle iron."

"That's... horrible," Peter mumbles sleepily from his mass of pillows and blankets.

Remus slams his book shut. "Why the fuck would you do that?"

"Because would it make your penis be shaped like a waffle?"

Peter groans quietly. "No, th-"

"If your dick was thick enough," James says with a scoff.

Someone gets slapped. "Of course mine is thick enough, you absolute window," Sirius snaps.

"Window?" Peter questions.

"Either way, it wouldn't be waffle shaped unless you could keep it in long enough. But you wouldn't be able to handle the pain long enough," James continues, ignoring Peter's question.

Sirius slaps him again. "I could keep my dick in a waffle iron longer than you!"

"Merlin, I'm going to bed," Peter mumbles, drawing his curtains shut.

"You could not!"

"Of course I could, you're a wimp."

"Sirius, love, you can barely handle me not letting you cum for five minutes," Remus drawls.

The room goes silent. More sheets rustle and James is back in his own bed. No one talks for at least three minutes, until Sirius says, "Remus, if I had a waffle penis would you give me m-"

"No."