sugar〻oneshots

realize

Sirius isn't sure if he'll be able to hold back from asking much longer.

He'd held it in since he had arrived at the Potter's. He didn't even think about it at dinner. But now, laying on James' bed and staring at the ceiling while his parents played music downstairs, there was nothing keeping him from asking. So he does.

"When did you realize you... you know... lo-iked Lily?" Sirius swallows hard.

James blinks a few times and fixes his glasses. "Shit, mate," he mumbles, and Sirius blushes a bit because fuck, he's being too much. But James answers. "That's... I had a crush on her at first. I just thought she was cute, you know?" He scoffs a bit to himself. "I guess I knew it was more than that when I stopped rolling my eyes at the love songs mum and dad danced to because I understood them."

Sirius feels like his stomach fills with stones. He wishes his parents really loved each other. Maybe he'll never get it. He had kind of thought that. It's a chain. Blacks don't love, they hate. Andy was the only hope he had that it wasn't true.

Then James continues. "And looking at her is like coming home." Tears are stinging Sirius' eyes. He does get it now and he wishes he didn't. It's like when it's raining and then all of a sudden the sun breaks through and your body is warm all over. Sirius understands being in love now more than he ever wanted to.

"Fuck, that's so dorky. But it's true. And I know I should give up, she hates me, but I just... it doesn't make sense that someone could love another person that much for nothing."

He nearly rolls his eyes at that. James is an optimist. They all knew it. Sirius admired it, usually, but now he wants to yell that not everyone is that lucky. Not him.

But he doesn't. So they lay silently for a minute, until Sirius squeezes his eyes shut and whispers, "I think I'm in love."

The sheets rustle. James is sitting up. "Who?" he asks softly. Sirius sniffles quietly.

"Remus. Fuck, Remus. Remus. Everything about him. Remus and his stupid jokes, his goddamn sweaters and his little smirk and his scar shaped like half a heart. James, I told him I wanted to get the other half as a tattoo and he looked at me like I was crazy and I probably am but I can't help it, he's so nice and I'm nothing like him." Sirius had started crying at some point. He's sure James is uncomfortable and shit, he hasn't even been here a day and he's doing this. How is he so fucking messed up?

"Remus," James repeats. "Shit. Moony. Alright. That's... okay. It'll be okay. We can figure it out."

He hopes James is right.