Vincent

Chief

I awoke when I felt my bed dip. I frowned, quickly opening my eyes to look who it was.

"Mi dispiace, Lex. Sorry to wake you," he gently said, "You didn't do anything stupid, did you?"

I frowned, propping myself on my elbows to see what he was looking at. My movement gave me a headache and I wanted nothing more than to go back to bed. My eyes were so hot and heavy. On the floor were my spilled painkillers. I rubbed my eyes, completely forgetting about the meltdown I had. God, I was going to kill myself. Or, at least attempt it. What the actual fuck?

When I moved my hand, part of my blanket fell down. When I felt the cold air hit my skin, I remembered I didn't have a shirt on. Underwear? Yes. Shirt? No. Before I could fix it, Vincent reached out, covering me.

"You should wear a shirt, it's cold. You could get sick," he said.

"How'd you get in?" I mumbled. "I locked the door."

"Michael gave me a key," he answered. "You can go back to sleep, I just wanted to see you. Talk."

"About what?" I muttered, laying back down.

"Last night. Did she hurt you?" he asked, coming closer to put his hand over my shoulder, softly rubbing the skin.

"No," I answered, my hand over my eyes. I was so tired. All I wanted to do was go back to bed. I was in this state of between. I wasn't really paying attention but I knew what he was saying. "Vince," I groaned.

"Hmm?"

"I'm tired. Can we talk later?" I offered, removing my hands to crack open my eyes. He nodded, leaning in to kiss my forehead. "Ew," I whispered, pushing his face away. "Don't kiss me when her tongue was down your throat."

He cracked a smile. "I don't kiss her with tongue, Lex."

"But you still kiss her," I retorted, "and God knows what else...."

He rubbed my shoulder, standing up. "Get some rest. Ti Amo, Lex."

"I love you too," I mumbled, turning to the side, falling back asleep before I even heard the door close. When I woke back up, I couldn't tell if I dreamt that encounter or if it actually happened. It felt so hazy but when I left my room to get water, it was unlocked. While I was downstairs, I made myself a bagel before going back up to my room. I had a while until my date so I read Anthropology of an American Girl. Eveline also lived in New York. Not in Brooklyn, but in New York. She also didn't have technology since it was the 1970s to 1980s. I couldn't have social media. I couldn't help but wonder if Freddie read this book. It was oddly like my life. Maybe, this was just the regular ballad of a teenager? Maybe this was what all teenagers went through?

Heartbreak and change.

I don't know. I still felt like the girl I was back in June and August. I still felt like the girl who was worried about her first day of high school. I still felt like the girl who didn't want to go to middle school. I still felt like the innocent girl who was nervous about her first dance competition. I still felt like the same girl who was excited about third grade.

I still felt like the girl who listened to Avril Lavinge, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, Buckcherry, Maroon 5, Beastie Boys, and Nirvanna. Yet, I still felt the same, even as my ears started to listen to Kayne West, Mina, Britney Spears, Sinatra, Lana Del Rey, Rihanna, Justin Timberlake, and Joan Jett.

Everything felt the same. I felt the same. I didn't look like the five-year girl anymore but I still felt like her. I felt the same. On the inside.

Was this the horror of life?

Maybe I was the same? Maybe I wasn't? Rose, dad, Freddie, and Angie wouldn't have an opinion. They grew up with me. They watched me grow. Maybe I looked/acted the same because it was all they ever knew or the changes were slow so they never noticed.