Koi No Yokan

Chapter 22

Rainey

Wide awake. I can't sleep.

Nakatitig lang ako sa kisame ng kwarto ko. I am still thinking why Cariette didn't join us for dinner and came up with a lousy excuse that she's not hungry and she doesn't want to see Harrice.

Ang ending tuloy, panay kantyaw yung inabot ko kay Harrie kanina habang ipinagluluto ito ng dinner. Binigyan pa nga ako nito ng cream dahil nakita nito na nag-iiba na yung kulay ng balat ko na tinamaan kanina ng mga pambabato ni Carrie. Saying, I should listen to her when she's explaining all the codes because it is not just for me but for Carrie too.

During dinner, Harrice is bubbling about her sister's codes. Sabi nito, Carrie almost had an emotional breakdown before she turned sixteen. Sunod sunod kasi yung naging problema ng pamilya nila noon. And those codes were made for them to understand the behavior Carrie needs from them whenever she's having those emotional attacks.

It's even worse before. But they all trusted Carrie to handle her own shits. In fact, even if she's having an emotional breakdown, she made herself working day and night just to reach to pinnacle of her career as her escape.

Cariette is one of the sought-after chemists. Got offers abroad to work for largest corporations. Attended conferences all around the globe to prove her excellence on her own craft. But she turned it all down because she's not happy with it. Sabi ni Harrice.

Napabiling ako ulit. Hindi talaga ako makatulog. Alas onse na. Please lang. Kailangan ko na matulog. Baka magka-eyebags ako.

Was it about that kiss? Did I make it awkward for her? Kaya ba hindi sya sumabay magdinner?

Damn!

Marahas na napabuga ako ng hangin at gigil na isinubsob yung mukha ko sa malambot na unan.

Why didn't she ask if what's our current status now that we've kissed?

Alangan naman na ganoon pa din kami tulad ng nakasanayan namin?

Aba, teka nga. Hindi naman ako yung nagseselos lagi samin a. Saka sya naman yung umamin na gusto nya ako. Dapat sa kanya manggaling kung ano bang gusto nyang maging kami. Nakailang tanong na ako pero wala syang sinagot na maayos kahit isa.

Wala sa loob na napahawak ako sa labi ko. That's weird. I know I've kissed a lot before. I've already lost count na nga. But no one has this kind of effect on me. Not even Ember.

Yung kay Ember kasi literal na kikiligin ka pagkatapos. Pero ganoon lang. Sa tuwing hahalikan lang naman ako nito pag nakukulitan na sakin o kaya naman pag anniversary namin. Ember isn't sweet too. Yung tipong magbibigay lang ng regalo pagkatapos mawawala na naman at hindi mahahagilap. Though pag nandito naman ito sa manila ay nagsasabi ito. Sasamahan ako palagi after a series of paawa.

Most of the times I need to beg and guilt-trip her for her to see me. She doesn't even care if she'll see me smoking or kissing anyone. For her, I can do what I want as long as I won't bug her peace of mind. As long as I will stop making demands about what she can't give.

Pakiramdam ko nga napipilitan lang ito na idate ako noon. My anxiety has come up to the point that I started having nightmares and extreme sadness at night. About how I made everyone's life a mess. And every time I am trying to reach out, they'll slap me with I'm busy, can't that wait? card. Until I get tired trying and trying and trying.

I realized that maybe at some point, it will be better if I just die so that all of them will be back into being happy.

I started with a few cuts on both of wrists. That thing accelerated into getting drunk and wasted. I started pushing them all away. I drunk and drive. Get myself into few accidents. Make the most out of it all.