The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Millionaire's Secret Billionaire ~ Part 4

The ever-long hall of this bastion of weird shit keeps being weirder and weirder as we reach the third floor, with Brayden in front of me and Jungkook(?) and Harry(?) following close behind. We pass the Watching Room, which has a single eye looking at me, staring into my soul, reminding me that my time as a mortal is but a speck of dust hitching a ride in a hurling rock at the far reaches of an ever-expanding galaxy, and that trillions upon trillions have come before me, and shall come after me. I am nothing. We are nothing. Oblivion is our only escape from our meaningless existence. Memento Mori.

We also pass the ice cream room. They have pistachio. That's my favorite flavor.

"Are you sure there aren't any other bathrooms available?" I say, with a rumbling in my tummy. "I mean, there are three floors, at least. One would think with so many rooms there should be more shitters."

"Well, Kitten, there is a shit room right there," he says, pointing at a room next to the "Giggles" room. Wonder if they're connected somehow. "But I understand your query. Father is a paranoid man, and made this place to be as confusing as possible as a defense mechanism. We hired a maid twelve years ago, and she disappeared from these halls after wandering for three days and nights. Legend has it that you can still hear her ask for directions to the rest room. Not to be confused with the resting room."

"Or the restings room," says Jungkook(?). "That's where we keep the rest of the people we wack."

"But we don't whack people in the whacking room," says Harry(?).

"See? A complicated affair, this place is," says Brayden.

Query? Complicated affair? Mechanism? Those are big-boy words. This is starting to smell foul, but that might as well be the "Shit" room. Wonder if I can go in there and-

"Here we are," says Brayden, pointing at a room that says "Thing 2." Well, that's confusing all right. Never would've guests this was a bedroom.

Brayden opens up the door and... I don't know what I expected, but this is not. When it comes to Brayden, I expected wall-to-wall posters of BTS, 1D, and everything in between. Maybe a life-size cut-out of a singer, and lots of pastel colors. This place is something else. Everything is colored steel blue, and very minimalistic. No clothes tossed around, nor makeup smeared everywhere. Kind of anticlimactic, really. The only thing that stands out is the bed, a huge thing that would fit two separate, if equally disgusting orgies, with grey satin sheets.

Can we as a society keep thinking satin belongs in a bed? Sliding out of bed every day like a penguin on ice is not a good way to start a day, people. Fuck off with that shit.

Brayden walks towards the end of the room and opens a door, showing a steel-blue bathroom on the other side. Everything is the same color. The toilet, the tub, the walls, all the exact same colors. I stumble in and hit my damn shin three steps in because I couldn't make out the toilet from the damn wall. I hate it here. Please, end me.

I sit down on the toilet, staring at Brayden's eyes, because he's yet to close the damn door. "Uh, a little privacy?"

He just stands there in a daze, giving me bedroom eyes, because he's in the bedroom, biting his lips. "Don't mind me, Kitten."

"Well, I mind me," I say.

He gives me a lopsided smile and steps backward, closing the door.

Finally, time to end my suffering, starting with a huge stream of frothy dad piss, like good lager beer... or so I would say. I hear a whirring sound. Something small and mechanical, kinda like a oh god dammit. There's a damn camera in the corner of the room, painted just as blue as the rest of the room, with a red-blinking light and all. Nothing closes my sphincter more than being filmed without my consent. I know shitting is the great equalizer but c'mon.