I Won't Give Up (A danisnotonfire Love Story) *UNDERGOING EDITING*

Chapter Seven - Am I Still Not Good Enough?

Days went by, and I’ve just been pretending to be okay for Dan. But I know he sees through it, he knows something’s up. Crystal noticed my relapse, and has been trying to keep me sane, trying to support me. Phil is just blind sometimes, but I think Crystal sort’ve explained it to him when he found me sobbing in Crystal’s arms Tuesday night.

 I strolled to Crystal’s old room, which was now Daniel’s room.

 I still couldn’t get over why Dan wanted me back after everything I did. From leaving him, to completely ignoring him, to lying to him. I sat down on the bed behind me, staring down at my wrists. I saw the old, faded scars, then the new, fresh scars covering my white skin.

 The moment I left Dan, I fell into this…hole. At first it was just being a zombie, crying myself to sleep at night, wishing I was with him. But then it slowly transitioned in clinical depression and anxiety issues. The depression led to self harm that began in the third month of my pregnancy. The last time I laid the blade to my skin was a week before Daniel was born.

 I couldn’t turn to anyone. My mum tried to help me as much as she could, same with Crystal, but all I wanted—needed—was Dan. But I had left, and couldn’t go back just to be held. I knew better. My mom told me I could go back anytime, but I refused. I had to swallow my pride and deal with it.

 I felt alone. So I turned to the blade and music. I wrote so many songs, made so many cuts. It destroyed me, leaving me broken and scared. I tried to clean up my act when I realized it’d hurt Daniel. But it was so hard to stay clean. Self-harm is a severe addiction that I would never wish on anyone. Nobody deserves to be so upset, that they feel the need to hurt themselves. Nobody EVER deserves that pain.

 I found myself sobbing into my arms, shaking uncontrollably. My wrists itched immensely, my head screaming harsh names at me. I tried to fight the urge to cry out, but before I knew it, I had let out a scream and curled into the fetal position on the bed.

 I heard rustling, and then a door shut. I refused to look up, because I heard a gasp and the quickening of feet approach me. Arms were wrapped around me, sitting me up and onto their lap. I smelled the familiar scent, knowing it was Dan.

 His warm arms wrapped around my waist, rocking me comfortingly from side to side. He shushed me quietly, caressing my hair and back. I sobbed into his shoulder, my hands covering my face. He moved my hair out of my face, removing my hands.

 “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” He asked quietly

 I looked away, sniffling, “Everything’s wrong, Dan,” I whimpered out

 He looked at me in confusion, “I thought everything was okay again?”

 I shook my head, trying to stop my tears, “Its fine! But I’m not okay!” I cried

 “Why aren’t you okay?” Dan asked, stroking my wet cheeks

 “Look at me Dan. I’m pathetic. I left you when I needed you the most! And you’re fans are all right about me! I’m a fat, worthless, ugly, terrible girlfriend and mother for putting you through so much pain and ruining your chances at becoming a father!”

 He gasped loudly, staring at me in shock, “My fans are saying that?! Since when?!” He demanded

 “Ever since you put out the video explaining what happened. It’s all over my Twitter,” I threw my phone at him, unlocking it and bringing it to my Twitter mentions, “See! They’re all right!” I sobbed

 He started to read through my mentions, his eyes becoming watery and his mouth hanging open. He growled, and then threw my phone onto the bed behind him. Rubbing his face and gripping his hair, his shoulders slumped and he sighed heavily.