False Confidence

19

Alena's pov

I feel as if the world is grey, black and I am drowning on air. As if nothing can make me whole, not even the little smile on my baby's face or the fact that everyday Harper is there, reading to my girl, tucking us both in, feeding us. I want to curl up and cry but my eyes are as dry and desolate as my heart. I should never have gone to see my parents, their words, their threats caused a tear and now I am not sure how to repair it. 

Paisley says she is taking me to the doctor today and as much as I do not want to go I need help. I know I need help, if I am ever going to repay them for their kindness I need help. I need someone to drag me away from my despair. I think of all the pain and hatefulness I have caused everyone. I have caused Harper. She lets things fall off her back in the most unusual and forgiving manner but that does not stop the fact that I was awful to her. That I have never actually apologized. The thought gets me sinking deeper. I am useless, nothing ever goes right, I want to die but I also do not think I deserve that kind of relief. 

I am exhausted, even though I have done nothing but sleep. I hear the morning movement in the halls. Emma is quiet in her crib but I know she is awake. Tears fall down my cheeks when I realize she hasn't called out for me, instead she is reading a book that Harper left out for her. She doesn't need me. I hear Harper, telling Harriet that she is putting Sarah's present in the car for the day so they can go straight from school to Sarah's house. Is it Sarah's birthday already? I think about the gift Harper got her, so thoughtful. Those two are close. They seem to compliment each other. Harper melts when she is around Sarah. Another knife to my heart.

I wasn't invited to the party but I didn't expect to be, I do not socialize with her. I listen, tears streaking down my cheeks as I pull the covers further up my body. I want to disappear. 

"Harriet, can you get my shoes, I am going to get Emma ready."

"Kay." Harriet calls as I hear her footsteps disappear away from the door, which creaks open, a small slither of light piercing the room. Emma can tell she is here to get her and with a rustle she is standing up in her crib.

"Har-pa," She no longer gets confused by the two. "Mama S'eeping."

"I know baby." I am hit by the de ja vu because only a few days ago it was Harper who was sleeping and that statement was directed at me. "Should we get you changed, it is cold out today." Her voice is gentle and carries a small bit of sunshine into the room, it calms my tears as I listen to her chat to my daughter as she prepares her outfit for the day and sorts out her things. Paisley come earlier to change Emma's diaper. I do not think Harper has managed that task yet. She chats away with the toddler, about everything and nothing. I know Paisley has been taking Emma to preschool and my heart breaks . I wonder what they told her teacher, the other moms. I can feel their judgmental eyes at my sudden disappearance. I betrayed and disappointed my daughter. Maybe she would be better with another family but the selfish heart I have will not allow it. 

Instead of moving out the room with Emma like she has been doing Harper places Emma on the bed "Cuddle mama." Her voice sings and with a giggle my baby comes and cuddles right on top of me, smelling just like the baby she is. Suddenly the curtains are opened. "I will get out your outfit for today, you need to shower as you will go with mom to the appointment. "

She knows I am listening even if I do not reply. I hear the closest open and close, she is rustling around while Emma happily snuggles closer, her warmth is incredible. How can she still want to be with me after all I have put her through? I do not deserve her love. 

"I will take Emma to breakfast, go shower." Harpers words are firm as Emma is lifted off me, still chattering about all sorts of things. Harper is bubbly, often clumsy and chaotic in her positive energy so to hear her sound so crestfallen, defeated is like another brick to my soul. I wait until I hear them head down the stairs before I move to get ready. Seeing the outfit Harper has laid out for me brings a small smile to my lips. It consists of something she would wear, a slightly baggier t-shirt with a smiley face on it, light blue jeans and air force. Simple and yet so Harper. Showering is a relief from the tension in my shoulders. I welcome the warmth. Before stepping into the room and pulling the t-shirt on. It is is Harpers one, it smells like her. Something like red vines and sunshine. All the goodness and light that is Harper. Instead of the jeans I go for tights. Not sure I can pull off those baggy 'mom' jeans as well as Harper does. I do my makeup, feeling as if I need a layer of protection for what this day will bring.