False Confidence

21

Dinner is a silent affair and despite the fact that mom cooked up a huge delicious feast I was not hungry. My belly was twisting in anxiety. Worried over How the doctors went for Alena today. About whether Harriet suspects something from the way she keeps eyeing me.

Worried that my school work is going to swallow me whole.

"Harriet have you talked to the guidance councillor about next year yet?"

Her attention us taken away from me and she frowns.  "No."

"You better get on Harriet, colleges are not going to wait for you."

"I am not sure college is the right direction for me." That brings a whole other level of silence. My parents are firm advocates for college.

"Honey, maybe talk to the counselor before making any hasty decisions."

"It is pointless." She mumbles pushing her plate away " I am not good at school and paying for four more years just seems like a loosing battle."

"Harriet, your grades have improved." I point out trying to help her feel less helpless. "Besides with cheerleading colleges will be fighting over you." She is silent and my parents jump in. I feel sorry for her but I am also glad that the attention is not on me.

"With Spencer and Harper going to the same college why don't you apply there, you guys could all look out for each other!" They are well intended but the fact that Spencer and I got provisional acceptance and Harriet is yet to apply is a point of contention. 

"Well we do not know if that is where we are going yet," I try but in then turn to Harriet "But if you want there is an amazing design and fashion course that you would be brilliant at."

Mom puts her hand out in agreement, while dad looks between us. We are so very different and our school work has always been the tell tale. Dinner ends with everyone so lost in their own heads that the rest of the evening is past in silence. I lay in bed later that evening, red vine hanging between my lips as I stare at the ceiling, Harriet is pacing at the end of my bedroom. Not saying anything but making tracks in the carpet. Tugging at another red vine I think about the rest of the year and the fast approaching deadline for college applications. Wondering What Alena wants to do, what she is interested in. I do not know her enough to know if she wants to go to college. 

"Do you think Spencer will think I am a failure if I do not go to college? I know his whole family has gone to University-" She is biting at her nails, her previously perfectly done up nails. 

"Why would you think that?" Spencer is anything but judgmental on other peoples journey's. Looking at me over her fingers her eyebrows are slopped downwards.

"I do not want to disappoint him."

I have learnt long ago to not presume anything between those two. I cannot be the liaison between their communication. If they want their relationship work they need to talk to  each other. "You are not normally so self conscious."

Sighing she sits on the desk chair but stands up a second later. My phone pings and I look down, speak of the devil.

Spence: Why is Harri not answering her phone?

Honestly he is one of the few people allowed to call her that. "Spencer is saying you must answer your phone. " She waves me off and I frown, worried. She never blows him off. Their nightly calls are ridiculously consistent and sappy.  "What should I tell him."

"I do not know, I can't talk to him right now."

"Harriet-" I trail off my eyes following her movements over the room, my phone starts ringing but I ignore it, concerned about her. "What are you so worried about?"