False Confidence

30

"You told them?!" Harriet bursts into my room an hour after arriving home. Alena has taken Emma for a walk to the park, wanting to spend some time with her and I am completing the homework she brought for me from today. 

"I had to." I say sitting up, hating how my chest starts beating rapidly at the accusation in her voice. "Harriet, they need to help you!" 

"You had no right and you broke my trust!" She yells, accusation thick in her tone and I flinch, she never yells at me. "I specifically told you not to and the minute you had a chance you let it loose, how could you!" 

"Harriet- I am sorry I-"

"-don't talk to me." She hisses pointing her finger at me "You have no idea what it is like to be me, you coast through life on the easy train and you have no idea what struggle is!" Tears gather in my eyes at her words but she is too far gone to stop " You come out without coming out and everyone loves you more, you get good grades and Universities want you, you smile and skip through life with no cares, so you do not get it! You think you know better than everyone else!"

"Harriet, calm down."  Dad is at the door "Harper didn't do anything wrong." I am frozen on my bed, tears streaming down my face.

"She is ruining my life!" It feels like a bowling ball to my chest as I gasp, staring at my sister, her eyes are similar to mine but right now they are filled with anger and something that makes me want to yell in pain, hate. Her gaze is filled with hate. Never before have I felt the loathing sting that now washes over me like an acid bath of guilt and sorrow. 

"Harriet, that is unfair-"Mom starts but she is interrupted once more my Harriet who points at me.

"Don't talk to me, ever again!" She spins and leaves the room her door slamming behind her, the sound of which  breaks the dam of my emotions as my body folds with sobs. My dad is there and so is my mom but I just want to be alone so I send them out. The leave, promising to bring me tea.

I do not know how long I stay curled up, Harriet's words running over and over in my brain. My heart hurts as the tears keep pouring down. I want to disappear. For the first time in my life I find myself so profoundly sad and helpless. What she said was also unfair. I did know struggle, I knew her struggle, maybe not in the sense that it was my life but her pain, I feel it. I have always felt her pain. 

I do not know how long I lie there, my heart breaking as I stare into nothingness. Ignoring the buzzing of my phone next to me, I am sure it is Spencer but I do not want to talk to him now. He has to pick a side and if he picks mine Harriet will hate him. She needs him. I can't let him choose. I snort through a sob as I realise even now I am protecting her, trying my best to shield whatever additional pain might befall her. 

My door inches open, I do not look, thinking it is my parents with the tea but instead the cup is placed by my head by long tan fingers.

"It is orange vanilla." Her words are soft and they squeeze my heart. "Emma is asleep, she took a while to fall asleep, kept talking about her day, she had a lot of fun." I don't  answer but I am glad that Emma is okay. Instead of leaving Alena moves around the room and I feel the bed dips  behind me. I feel her heat.

"It's  going to be okay Harper." Her words are soothing and it causes me to sob further.

"She hates me."

"She is your sister, she doesn't  hate you." I sniff  rubbing at my raw eyes. "She just needs time."

I turn, hating that she is seeing me like this but I  have no one else to talk to. Instead of talking I shift closer trying to draw comfort from her and when she wraps her arms around my frame and pulls me closer I melt into her hold. Tears flowing freely as she holds me and whispers words of comfort into my curls. If I wasn't so consumed in my own grief I might have blushed at the intimacy, but then again my face was already red and blotchy. 

---------------------------

"Trouble in paradise?"  I turn, spotting a Barbie in the bathroom as I wash my hands. I frown in her direction, why is she talking to me?

"Harriet said you aren't  helping with makeup and hair this meet."

"Oh." I sigh, grabbing a towel and drying my hands "right."

"She didn't  want to talk about it, are you guys okay?" I turn frowning at the genuine concern I hear in her voice. 

" Fine."

"Okay, we will miss you ." I am dumbfounded as she leaves. I never knew they cared that I was even there. They probably only care that no one is there is help them with make up.  Sighing I throw the towel away and head for the gym. The day seems to drag on. This morning Harriet was gone before I woke up and she hasn't  spoken or looked at me the whole day. Sarah shoots confused looks between us and after a brief chat with Spencer this morning I told him to stick with her. She needs him.

Now it is just me.

"Harper, you with me." Alena appears at my side,  her facial expression hard and stoic as she glares at someone to the side. I realise it is one of the football guys. More specifically. Ben, a comedic guy with a lot of jokes and a funny personality.

"For what?"

"We have to skip in partners."

"Reed didn't  want us to be partners." Ben says with a pout, coming over and throwing an arm around my shoulders.  " Even when I told her that I think you are cute!" I snort elbowing Ben in the ribs, his grin doesn't  even falter.

"Murphy, Jared is waiting!" Coach yells and saluting Ben jogs off . I grin at Alena and she merely raises her eyebrow.

"It is funny seeing you jealous." She scowls, handing me the rope.

"You have to do 500 this lesson."

"They trying to kill us." I puff out after 200 and she rolls her eyes, taking the rope and easily managing 400 without stopping.  She hands me back the rope and I manage 2 100s before handing it back. She finishes her set and catching my breath so do I.  

Sitting on the bleachers I scoot closer to her, grinning at her "Ben thinks I am cute."

"Shut up Harper." Alena says gaze narrowed as she gazes at everyone around us.

"C.u.t.e." I knock my shoulders against hers but she just looks forward so my grin widens. This is too easy " maybe I should go talk to him." I move to stand up but a hand clamps on my arm. I try hide my grin but I am sure I am doing a terrible job.

"Don't  you dare." I sit back down and grinning  rest my head on her shoulder, watching the gym. My happy mood turned sour as I spot Spencer chatting to Harriet off to the side.  "It will  be okay, Harper." Her arm wraps around my shoulder and draws a pattern comfort on my shoulder.

I sigh, maybe it will be but it sucks now. I can't remember a time Harriet and I fought this badly.