False Confidence

27

I have to work extra hard to get out of bed the next morning and throw on some warm clothes, before heading downstairs. Even the sight of Alena dressed to perfection with a cute Emma in her highchair doesn't wake me up from the slump I am in. I am exhausted, having spent the night tossing and turning. I am thankful Harriet is already gone otherwise she will think this is her fault.

"Harper, you look terrible, did you eat something funny last night?" Mom asks, coming forward and feeling my forehead, drawing the whole kitchen's attention to me.

"No, I just couldn't sleep." I mutter drawing a large cup of coffee towards me and pretty much inhaling it.

"Why?" Alena's voice filters through my consciousness as I glance at her still feeding Emma some oats. Her tone is almost accusing but I look at my mom instead.

"I am fine, just need coffee."

"And breakfast." Mom places a bowl of steaming oats in front of me along with the honey and cinnamon, I dump both in and stir the bowl lazily. "Did you girls stay out late last night?"

"No, I just couldn't sleep." I know she doesn't believe that is all but I am not sure what else to tell her. I am sure if Harriet wanted them to know she would have told them and besides, I didn't discuss telling them with her. Even though everything within me wants to let it out I have to bite down on my tongue. 

"I hope you manage at school today."

"Can I stay home?" I ask hopefully but the stern look from my mother is enough of an indication,  I will not be staying home just  because I am tired.

"Har-pa, some?" I look over to where Emma is showing me her spoon, the oats half dripping off it. "Some?"

"I have my own, Emma-bear." I say lifting my spoon to show her but she merely shakes her head.

"Some?"

"Okay thanks.'' I grin as I lean over and accept the half cold porridge from the tiny spoon offered to me, it appeases Emma and she goes on to offer her mom. Alena accepts the spoon dutifully, leaning over to smooth Emma's pigtails.

"You Full baby?"

"Yes, full." Emma is getting more and more talkative and I swear I heard her say a full sentence the other day. It is very cute to watch.

"Alena, you wouldn't mind if Harper rode with you to school today would you? She is really in no fit condition to drive." I would argue but I am too busy gulping down my second cup of coffee. Alena nods, telling me we have to go because she needs to drop Emma off.

Her car is neat inside, just like the first time I was in it, except this time she has not been living in it. Emma happily entertains herself by singing to herself as Alena pulls her car into gear, fixing me with a look and focusing on the road once again.

"Why didn't you sleep last night? It wasn't about what we talked about was it?" I furrow my eyebrows trying to remember what we talked about and drawing a blank, I really am tired. "The date?" I can hear the worry in her voice and I shake my head, reaching over and tapping her leg before realizing what I am doing and quickly drawing my hand. She is driving stick so she changes the gear before reaching over and pulling my hand back onto her leg, her warm hand over mine. My cheeks color and I can see that hers have a slight red tint under her eyes. Which really isn't fair because I probably resemble a tomato. "Cute." She mutters which has me muttering nonsense under my breath. I am not cute. "So?" I realize that I didn't answer her previous question and contemplate telling her. But can't think of a reason why not.

"It is just Harriet, the school is pushing her a crazy amount because she struggles, which doesn't seem fair. I mean she gets more homework than anyone because she struggles? That is fucking stupid."

I forget there is a toddler in the car and quickly apologize but Alena waves me away, her warmth disappearing from my hand on her leg as she changes gears once more. "Why are they pushing her so hard?"

"Supposedly to help her but really they are just stressing her out and she is so busy catching up with lessons she can't even think about the college pressures which are there and are pressure because we all know that it is this huge looming thing." I am worked up and instead of placing her hand over mine once more Alena moves it to my own leg and rubs a soothing circle on my knee. If I was in any other state I would be highly conscious of the movement. Now I am just angry for Harriet.

"Do your parents know?"

"No, but I think Harriet should tell them, anyways, that is why I couldn't sleep last night, I was worried about her because I do not want her to think of herself as a failure, she isn't and just because she has a learning disability doesn't make her any less capable than everyone else!"

"She is lucky to have a sister like you, someone who has her back." Alena says gently and the fire inside me settles a little, enough for me to realize we are at Emma's school. "I won't be a minute."

"Can I come in?" I ask, wanting to see the school that Emma spends her days at. Alena looks at me oddly before nodding and I grin, somehow finding enough energy to bound out of the car and towards the door where Emma is buckled in. Getting her out in record time and cuddling her to my chest as Alena gets her backpack.

"I get to see your school, Emma-bear, this is so exciting!" I coo and the little girl giggles as I tickle her side and follow Alena into the school gates. Her school is cute, with lots of jungle gyms and plenty of indoor activities to play since it is getting so cold. Her teacher is like a fairy godmother and honestly I wish I could stay here for the day. I am sure I will have a lot more fun than at my own school. 

"Harper, lets go!" I turn from my space on the mat chatting to some of Emma's friends while building blocks to realize Alena is done talking to her teacher. "Bye, Emma, love you I will see you later, okay baby?" Emma nods as her mother kisses her forehead. I grin leaning over it for a quick squeeze.

"Bye, Emma-bear have fun at school." I hop up and wave happily to the teacher. Alena is grinning at the corner of her mouth in a way she only knows how to do.

"You are a child." I am surprised when she reaches over to grab my hand, coloring at her public display of affection as she leads me to the car. I am silent the whole way to school, thinking about it. Maybe that means she doesn't mind others knowing? I am so confused that I end up bumping into Spencer at his locker without even realizing where I am going.

"Watch out!" Someone else says as I bump into them. 

The whole day pretty much goes the same, my brain feels like it is buzzing and I can't get a grip on one activity or one thought process. Like there is an angry hive of bees buzzing around my brain and causing everything to become a jittering nightmare.  I am relieved when the day is over . I get back home  and happily collapse on the sofa, falling promptly asleep.