Back To You ~ (Cazzie Fanfic)

I Don't Know How to Fix It

TW/CW: Biphobia

Welp. The moment has arrived. Sorry everyone!

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It started off ok, the phone call to end all phone calls. Things between them had been strained for weeks. Months... if Casey was being realistic about the situation. The time difference wasn't even that great but it had proved brutal when their communication was already so frayed to begin with. It seemed like they were always missing each other. They'd make a plan to talk and then it would fall through because Izzie fell asleep, or Casey had to work a lunch shift, or Izzie had an emergency, or Casey had an impromptu meeting with their coach. As time had gone on these missed calls had started to feel personal and even intentional... even though Casey knew they weren't. She just wished Izzie appreciated all the times she had passed up a chance to do something really fun with her friends or pick up an extra shift at the restaurant so she could talk to Izzie instead. The creeping feeling of rejection that had been eating at her for months was only made worse every time Izzie missed a call or didn't respond to a text asking to reschedule. Finally, Casey had asked Izzie to talk; a video call, on the computer. Not the phone and not Facetime. She felt like if they could just see each other's faces clearly, with no distractions, maybe they could work this out. Because it was becoming more and more clear they couldn't last much longer like this.

Casey had never really recovered from Izzie not telling her she wasn't coming back for the summer until the last possible second. She had tried to let it go, and even understood, in some small, abstract part of her mind, but she just couldn't get past the seeming reiteration that Izzie didn't trust her enough to share the really difficult and personal parts of her life with. Not anymore. Or maybe it was just that she didn't respect Casey enough? She wasn't sure. Casey longed for the days when they told each other everything. When she was the first to know. When Izzie would run up to her locker to breathlessly confide in her or when they would talk to each other on the phone, late into the night, not wanting to hang up. Now it felt like whenever they did talk Izzie was counting down the seconds until it was over. To her credit, Izzie had tried to talk to Casey about what happened at the airport, shortly after Casey's solo return to LA. But Casey had been so angry and hurt then. She had shut the conversation down immediately. Maybe if she'd just let Izzie talk to her then they wouldn't be where they were now.

As the weeks drug on Casey had become less open about her life too. She could see the pain and envy on Izzie's face when she talked about their team or Casey's job or going to parties and the beach on the weekends with friends. She would smile, halfheartedly, and ask a few follow up questions, then become quiet. It just felt easier to not mention that new friend she'd made or the concert she went to or the funny thing that happened at practice. And if Izzie wasn't sharing anything with her, why should she share anything with Izzie? But now Izzie would be coming back in a couple weeks and they still hadn't even talked about the most basic details of that. Like how Izzie was feeling about it or what it would be like. Or even what day she was flying in. And while, at first, Casey had assumed that Izzie's return would make everything better, things felt so fragile now that she wondered if it might actually make things worse. They needed to talk. Now.

She'd texted Izzie, Hey, Can we talk soon? On the computer. Like with no distractions. I miss you and I want to see your face.

And Izzie had responded, Yeah, I need to talk to you too. Tomorrow? 9PM my time?

When Casey saw Izzie's face pop up on the screen she was relieved. Something about seeing her familiar, beautiful face and her familiar bedroom in the background made everything feel less risky. How many times had they studied or made love or slept in that room together? It made her smile just to think about it. Casey looked around her quiet dorm room. She'd put her phone on privacy mode and even locked the door and put a handmade "do not disturb" sign on it, just to be sure there would be no distractions. When Izzie's head and shoulders popped up on her computer screen Casey realized it had been ages since she'd seen Izzie as something other than as a very small blur of distracted action on her phone as Izzie FaceTimed with her while she drove her siblings somewhere or made dinner or stood on a crowded bus with her headphones in. She'd even stopped posting on social media.