Back To You ~ (Cazzie Fanfic)

Failed Attempt

It had been a little over two weeks since Izzie slammed the laptop in her face and Casey still couldn't allow herself to fully accept that they were done. That they were over. She kept reaching for her phone to text Izzie something inane or ask her a question or see what she was up to. Then the reality of what had happened came crashing down on her. Hollowing her out again. She had composed so many texts or emails or voicemails in her head. They ranged from hurt to raging to pleading. She kept thinking they should be able to work this out. To talk it out. Three years couldn't end like this. It just didn't make any sense. But every time she thought about reaching out she remembered everything Izzie had said. She'd made it pretty clear how she felt... how little she thought of Casey. How childish and ridiculous she thought Casey was. More than anyone else in the world Izzie had everything she needed to destroy Casey's sense of self. She had taken every weakness and insecurity Casey had and used it to tear her apart.

"Go date a guy," she'd said.

As if Casey wanted anyone else besides Izzie. As if she were some unfaithful, inconsistent person. As if she'd ever given Izzie any reason to distrust her. One of the worst parts of having to process Izzie, of all people, questioning her queerness and her authenticity was the way it was slowly eating holes in her own sense of self. Confirming what she'd always suspected. That she didn't fit in. That she wasn't really queer. That no one believed her. On her worst days she wondered if she'd just been fooling herself somehow. Maybe she was really a lesbian and her attraction to guys was just something she convinced herself was true because she wasn't brave enough to be who she really was. Maybe she was straight and had somehow just loved Izzie anyway. Maybe saying she was bisexual had really been just an attempt to fit into Izzie's world or to be different or something. Maybe she couldn't trust herself at all.

As hurt as Casey was, she couldn't ignore the fact that she'd really hurt Izzie too. Had failed to adequately grapple with what she was dealing with. Had failed to see how hard it was for her to talk about things. How hard it must have been to make the decisions she'd had to make. She'd failed to be the escape Izzie needed. The soft place for her to land. It couldn't end like this. She had to try. At least one more time.

A week and a half after their fight she'd finally summoned the courage to text Izzie. She'd held her phone with sweaty hands as she agonized over the wording.

I know you said it's over. But I miss you so much and I still think about you all the time.You hurt me more than anyone ever has. You obviously don't think very highly of me any more and I'm not sure when that happened. For what it's worth I didn't mean what I said about not being sure why I'm with you. I've never actually felt that way and I really wish I hadn't said it. I don't know if you really believe all the things you said either. If you don't... maybe we can talk sometime.

Almost a week later she still hadn't heard back. And with each passing day it felt less and less likely that she ever would. None of this had helped Casey's anxiety. She'd been so upset that she could barely eat or sleep. She'd been a mess at track and even skipped it a couple times. Her cuticles were bloody and her mom had even been asking if Casey wanted her to fly out for a bit. She kept telling everyone she was fine but she wasn't sure how much longer she could do that. How could Izzie just not text back? It ripped her apart to even think about it. She knew things were really bad between them but didn't three years warrant a response? After everything they'd been through? Even if her response was just to say fuck off?

Casey was grateful for her friends. Word had spread quickly about Izzie dropping out and their breakup. People kept dropping by to check on her and inviting her out to do things. She wondered if they were keeping in touch with Izzie too. She hoped they were. Some of her teammates had practically forced her to go get burgers with them the other day and she had even ended up smiling a couple times. Her friend Aidan, a track athlete from the men's team, had invited her to a party later tonight. She'd turned him down flat, not in the mood to socialize, but then Elsa had called and had sounded so worried about her and she'd somehow ended up promising she'd go. Aidan was one of the friends Izzie always got so jealous about, accusing him of having a crush on her and wanting to be more than just friends. She'd kept him at arms length for Izzie.

Guess it doesn't matter now, Casey thought glumly as she picked up her phone to text him.

Aidan responded within minutes, enthusiastic and offering to drive her. And knowing she had somewhere to go, where people actually wanted her around, made her feel marginally less terrible so, hey, that was something right?

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Izzie kicked her feet against the smooth concrete. The metal bench was cool against her back and legs. Her stomach growled. The granola bar she'd bought at the airport had barely made a dent in her hunger but she didn't want to waste any time by stopping to eat. She stared up at Casey's dorm building. The windows were bright yellow squares against the night sky. She had barely summoned the courage to go in and check with the front desk, to see if Casey was there. But she wasn't. So Izzie found a bench nearby that was mostly in shadow, hoping she wouldn't be seen by anyone she knew. She was not in the mood to explain what she was doing there. Two hours later, there was still no sign of Casey. Anxiety began to gnaw at Izzie. What was her plan if she didn't see Casey? Sit on this bench all night? She began to scroll through her phone, thinking of friends she could potentially crash with. Her former roommate might let her stay. Maybe one of her friends from the LGBTQ+ center?

You should just text Casey, she thought.

But what would she say?

"I'm sitting outside your dorm like a creepy stalker? Where are you?"

It was no more creepy than surprising her by just being here when she got back. God, what was she thinking? This was all a terrible idea. Maybe she should just text Casey without letting her know she was here in LA. Just to feel things out. If it didn't go well she could find someone else to stay with. Now that she thought about it, showing up at Casey's dorm when she was supposed to be home in Connecticut was really intense.

Her thoughts were interrupted by something that caught her attention, out of the corner of her eye. A figure walking. She'd know that walk anywhere. Fully illuminated under the bright campus lights was Casey, striding down the walkway, beautiful and heart stopping and dressed in her favorite jeans and t-shirt. Izzie's heart leaped into her throat. Casey walked up to her building. Izzie stood. God, she was terrified. But if she was gonna do this, now was the time. Casey's head snapped around. Someone was calling her name. Izzie watched as a guy ran up to her holding her jacket. She froze. Casey smiled and laughed, seemingly embarrassed at her forgetfulness. She reached out and took it from him with a sheepish smile. Aiden. He'd always had a crush on Casey. Izzie swallowed uneasily. Should she walk over now? Suddenly, she wasn't so sure. He put his hands in his pockets, swaying nervously as he talked. They were standing close... closer than was strictly friendly. Casey was biting her lip, looking away nervously... or conflicted, maybe? She glanced up at him. He put a hand on her waist, light and playful. She didn't pull away. He tugged her closer. She didn't pull away. He leaned in slowly, and kissed her. She pulled away. Izzie couldn't breathe. Casey stared at Aiden for a long moment. Then she grabbed him with both hands, by the front of his shirt, and pulled him in. She kissed him. She kissed him. Izzie couldn't look away. The kiss went on, and on with hands threading into hair and bodies pressing closer. Then finally, they pulled apart. Aiden said something to her and she paused, then nodded. A small gesture. But then they were walking into Casey's dorm, together.

Izzie sank onto the bench, and cried.

She sat there until half the little squares of light in the dorm building had gone dark. Till very few people walked the campus. Then she walked to the road and ordered an Uber back to the airport. Shell shocked and thoughts spiraling she made her way to the ticketing desk, getting lost a few times on the way. It didn't matter. There was no rush. The woman she spoke with was brusk at first. Telling her there was no way to change her flight since she'd bought an economy ticket. But when she saw Izzie go over to slump down onto the bench by the door and lay down, using her backpack as a pillow something shifted in her stern expression. After a few minutes she came over and told Izzie she'd found a way to switch her to a flight the next morning. A loophole. She could go through security and wait at the gate, where the seats were more comfortable and she could buy food and coffee. Puffy faced and bleary eyed Izzie thanked her profusely and made her way to the gate. She did not get food or coffee. She slouched in a seat at the gate she'd be flying out of in 6 hours and pulled open her phone. She opened up her contact list and found Casey's name. She tapped on her name, opened up her contact information and deleted it. Then she curled up across three seats with her back facing out and went to sleep under the bright airport lights.