i find comfort in my sadness.
get to know me, and you'll learn that it isn't as screwed up as it sounds.
nonetheless, i sense that i'm the sole carrier of this sentiment.
i am awkwardly positioned on my chair, legs on the arm rests, torso twisted loosely around the back.
i appear more as an invertebrate species and less as a human as time passes.
perhaps the display of dismantled limbs signifies that some of my outer appearance is shifting to expose the absence of humanity within me.
because i don't feel, i romanticize.
i enjoy watching myself in the mirror as i cry.
the sleeves of my sweatshirt cover half of my hands, appearing as if i am attempting to simulate emotional warmth using physical objects.
eyeliner and mascara which i applied the day before stain the area underneath my eyes, causing me to seem tired, contentment darkened by life's expectations.
i exude innocence and vulnerability, as if i was a small child who had experienced hurt caused by an external factor, rather than the immature and selfish, unstable teenage girl who caused her own problems.
i like to pretend that this happened to me, not that i did it to myself.
it is difficult to live with yourself when you become aware of your hostility, your unkindness, your immorality, your deficit of empathy- when you become aware that you were never the innocent child that you thought you were, instead you have always been a vile and repulsive, atrocious entity that doesn't even deserve to be considered human.
it's impossible when you realize that there is no valid excuse or reason that you became the way you did. most individuals i know who have hurt others and made mistakes had a factor which led to that. i had a happy childhood, everything was provided for me. i don't have that excuse.
the girl standing across from me in the mirror may appear innocent, but she wasn't meant to be placed on earth. perhaps the universe needed her because others are simply too nice, too caring, too empathetic, and it needed to be balanced out.
her biggest aspiration is to make an impact on the world, but perhaps she wasn't placed here to make the type of impact she had thought.
perhaps she is the designated antagonist, and should stop attempting to reverse her role using ineffective empathy and care for others, instead sticking to what she does best- destruction- of both herself and those she loves.
