seven am is my least favorite time of day.
it isn't because i'm regretting not taking that extra hour of sleep.
it is because a mass of a thousand pounds crushes my chest, making it unbearable to breathe.
i'm not frightened by the numbers on the clock anymore.
i know that whether it is a matter of five minutes or fifteen minutes
i'll always commence my day.
i've done it on every cycle of sunshine.
therefore, i sink into the blankets and bask in the burden of my barrenness.
i never want to leave here.
i know that i will be alright once i get started.
once i sip my cold and creamy coffee, and once i giggle hysterically with my friends,
the sustenance of the strain won't feel as heavy.
but perhaps i bear the burden subconsciously.
maybe i only experience the entire extent of the agony in the morning
because we in our first seconds of gaining awareness are our most vulnerable.
maybe i need to traverse that tempest of the torturous storm that wrecks my mind the moment i wake,
to realize that my chest is persistently heavy.
that my head is permanently in pain.
that i ache everywhere, all over my body- a hurt first afflicted in the depths of my mind.
maybe i need sheer stillness to know that it is constantly cold- i brace the chills each second.
to know that there is a hole in my heart- that the reason i always place my arms crossed over my stomach and chest is because discomfort arises when i leave that hole agape.
i can't even begin to ruminate on the absence of my emotions- a tough plastic film used to cover the messy mix of anger, guilt, shame, and ambivalence that is simply too extensive to untangle.
but i must stomp fiercely on the ice and submerge these feelings into the frigid waters.
the nihilistic side of me wants to give up- to close my eyes and allow the exhausting existential nothingness to open up and swallow me whole.
but it's getting late.
i need to go now.
i will continue to embark on the existence i wish would end,
and persist on the monotonous cycle of life,
hoping that one day, i will wake up with vehement vigor and vitality again.
