they say the world works in mysterious ways.
i understand that they speak this statement to summarize the complexities of life in a manner as vague as possible.
yet while i have received mystery in the forms of merits, of marvels and miracles,
you received mystery in the form of misery when the world brought you to me.
in a society where sensitivity and sentimentality are discouraged with vehemence
you chose to exude it unapologetically.
your act of irreversibly giving me all of you was one of valiance,
but it left you with an exploited vulnerability.
i'm not sure how i did it
but you fell fortuitously the moment we met.
i suppose that i enjoyed your company because for the first time, i was wanted rather than tolerated.
however, i was too trapped in the cage of confusion to realize that romantically, i didn't reciprocate your feelings towards us.
but it was perfect. you were perfect.
you would have pleased my parents, fascinated my friends, remediated my regrets.
you messaged me all morning and night, you wrote me letters of love.
you would have been the most faultless first.
i chastised myself for not loving you- it would have been my loss for leaving.
my biggest mistake was believing that i would be able to force myself to feel something i did not.
i had every opportunity to let you down gracefully
but i didn't.
regardless of how much it would have hurt, a soul as sweet and sanguine as yours deserved honesty.
instead, i cruelly lead you down a path of lies, and entangled you in a forest of fabrications.
you collapsed onto the cold tiled floor, your fragile heart shattered like glass on realizing that the most exultant period of your life was a falsehood.
i could have delivered the truth with class and conscientiousness
but i didn't.
i packaged daggers in cardboard boxes, i sealed white envelopes with red blood.
i vengefully tore at your open wounds, watching the color fade from your cheeks as you braced the infliction of the type of scars people don't heal from.
your eyes encapsulated the most florescent of lights, your smile exuded the most luminescent of gleams.
you traversed through life with unrelenting ambition. now, you trudge apathetically through treacherous tundras.
you should have objurgated me, admonished me, reproached me for dimming your light.
you should have told me that you hated me and that you longed for my death to no avail.
still, your agonizingly altruistic spirit foraged a path of forgiveness.
you graciously set me free from your grasp because you thought i deserved to be liberated.
you told me to forgive myself although i lead you on unforgivably.
and on new year's day, when the mirrorball hit the floor,
you told me that you guarantee my upcoming will be better than my forgone.
i hope you know that you are not the cause of that.
while you lay heartbroken at night embracing your pillow to fill the hole i couldn't, your eyes stained red with the tears you wish you could take back
you still selflessly wonder about my state.
i hope you know that unfortunately, i am okay.
perhaps the world does work in mysterious ways.
you have solely experienced misery, but i can state with wholehearted assurance that merits, marvels, and miracles are soon to come.
i wish i could advise you not to let my darkness dim your light
not to waste your love on someone who couldn't reciprocate it.
but your misfortune was not your fault.
it wasn't your choice to fall in love with a girl who hates herself.
i could make a million irrelevant excuses for my actions.
i could say that you fell too fast, that you feel too intensely
but that's not true- the way you love is the most beautiful thing about you.
i hope it lives on, even though i wounded it so brusquely.
i could say that i hope when you think of me, you think of happy things
but would be almost as unrealistic as a harmonious connection between us.
i know that i left a deep incision which will sting each time you brush your hand over it
and i wish i could talk to you one last time, and tell you that i am sorry for shattering your heart.
