i feel sadness in extremes
and when i don't
i find something that will make me.
i'm not used to emotional stagnancy
it makes me uncomfortable
and what better comfort
than sadness itself?
because if i leave,
step out of the hole
i have to face the fact
that it's the first time in a long time,
that i haven't seen the world properly for the past few years.
and that i was merely a child when the dark cloud consumed me.
happiness is an objective, but i have to stay
in the center, the emptiness, for too long.
it feels like i'm being trapped, suffocating, for hours on end,
there must be something to be sad about.
i must have some reason to hate myself.
please, i need a problem.
this emptiness is overtaking me.
i would do anything to avoid having my self esteem ripped to shreds by none other than my younger self, who hasn't surfaced since the permanent overcast quilted the skies.
the one who had plans
and goals
and hopes
and dreams
and a future
that wasn't all conjured in her head
it would crush her to see me like this.
she would scream and cry and beg me to change.
i would stare at her blankly, she would be attempting to communicate with a wall.
but no else knows that she isn't there anymore.
