i must admit that i'm jealous of men.
how lovely it must be to exist as a person-
as an individual able to establish an identity.
i wouldn't know because i was predestined to live absent of that experience
though i've reluctantly come to terms with it as i've grown.
but a pang of longing hits my heart when i remember
that to you, i will always be a girl first, and a person second.
i cannot come to you for solace
when current issues affect my fate.
you listen with a guilty attention,
you nod your head in a halfhearted regard,
as you anticipate the end of this conversation.
after all, it is merely political drama.
unlike you
i mustn't get angry
for there is no reason
if it isn't red.
when you reel in rage
you are almost offended
by the fact that i am not afraid of you.
i don't tremble when you raise your voice
or threaten me with emotional deprivation
and although you won't admit it
my apathetic resolve kills you inside.
and i sincerely apologize
but i cannot calm myself with a finger to the lips,
despite the extent of care that the gesture carries.
if i don't shake my concerns and break into a sanguine smile
after you seduce me with sweet words
then it must be true that i never loved you.
i dislike the qualities which you admire about me.
you like that i'm untouched, brand new, that you can mold me into the person you desire.
you like that i belong to you, that you can chain me down but set me free.
you say that my innocence is an embodiment of self respect
but i disrespect myself by allowing you to emphasize it.
if my past had been as free as yours,
would it diminish my value?
i've stopped speaking on topics which excite me.
my silence is your serenity.
i am loud, bold, opinionated
and my beliefs cause you discomfort.
but i enjoy listening in on your thoughts-
you are insightful, introspective, passionate
and i can learn from you.
for you are a complex person.
and i am just a girl.
i could be drowning in the deepest of oceans.
my lips may be parted at the surface of the water
my lungs may implore for air
but i will make no mentions of my conditions to you.
i'm sorry that i'm so proud
but i refuse to give you the satisfaction
of having saved me.
therefore
please don't cry
or blame yourself
when in my most despondent of states
i would rather turn to kate chopin, rupi kaur, or taylor swift
than turn to you.
after all, you are trying your best
despite this barrier which exists between us.
it is okay that you will never understand
for you are a person
and i am a girl.
