i'm sure i'd find it if i were better at introspection,
but this is one of the rare occasions that it doesn't feel like entirely my fault.
procrastinating necessary conversations gave me time to play connect the dots.
you handmade my pencils to draw consistent lines,
but they don't.
and i can't figure out where it went wrong.
maybe it's because you interject as i speak
to hold up your scorecard
before viewing my act.
or maybe it's because you admonish the others
while i'm waiting backstage.
i put away my props and withdraw my number
because those you criticized were just like me.
now, even i'm losing control of life's steering wheel,
and i plan to tell you
not because i want to, but because i have to,
i retreat each time i think i'm ready.
i would almost rather crash and burn
than make it possible
for you to judge me.
